Put Us Back Together Right
by gilmoregirl913
Summary: Prom, Season 2. It will ultimately be Addek, but there will be small splashes of MerDer at first due to the time it's in.
1. Just Breakable

**Setting: End of Season 2, Prom. **

**Pairings: Addek. First and foremost. Others may pop up, but won't be important. There is MerDer, but it will not be MerDer. I warn you now. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the title; it's a song by Headlights. The title of this chapter is from the song Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson. And of course, I don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

**A/N: I'm finishing **_**Just an Egg**_** before I work any more on this one, but I just have to get this up. So when JAE is done, look for updates to this one. **

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Derek wasn't here. He wasn't dancing with Addison. In physicality he was. He was dancing with Addison in physicality. His face was resting above her shoulder. But mentally, he was a hell of a lot farther away. He was with Meredith. Addison knew it, and it broke her heart yet again, yet a dull breaking. By this time, she expected nothing more from Derek.

It could be a closet, an on-call room, a dimly lighted hallway, it didn't matter. Just as long as he got to be with Meredith. Kiss her, touch her, have sex with her. He wanted her. His body ached for her, for her small frame to once again fill the empty spaces in his. Her breathy voice to exhale warm air into his ear. Her lips to moan his name.

Meredith wasn't dancing with Finn. She was in physicality, but in mentality she was with Derek. Somewhere. He was apologizing for choosing Addison when he really wanted Meredith. He was apologizing for breaking her. He was promising all sorts of things. He was romancing her again. He was her McDreamy.

Finn felt a pang in his body. Meredith really didn't like him the way Finn liked her. Finn had thought that Meredith would be helpful in moving on with Liz. Finn liked her. And Meredith was just using Finn as an excuse to make Derek jealous. Meredith just wanted Derek.

Meredith couldn't breathe as Derek focused his eyes on her. His blue eyes, which should've been focused on his wife, on the balloons, on the cake, on anything but Meredith. She excused herself from Finn and ran. Took off down the hallway, bolting. Moments later, she heard her name being called and saw Derek following her. She cursed and shut herself into an exam room.

Addison felt her composure crack as she watched her husband lie and run off after _that_ intern. Meredith Grey. Addison couldn't bring herself to hate her, even now as she knew what was happening. She just wiped away the water forming at her eyes, and went to sit down.

"Hey, Addison."

Addison looked up, surprised. "Hey, Finn."

Finn watched Addison dab at her eyes with a tissue, blotting at the slightly streaked mascara. "Are you okay?"

Addison laughed bitterly. "Of course I'm okay. My husband just ran off to fuck Meredith. Oh, wait, I suppose he's making love to her. He only fucks me, pretending that I'm her." The words were flung off her tongue.

Finn watched Addison carefully. "I'm so sorry."

"I am too. I really am."

"Why aren't you…stopping him?"

"What kind of good would that do? Stop him from having sex for days? Hours maybe?" Addison looked up, forgetting that Finn was dating Meredith. "Oh, God, I'm sorry. I forgot you and Meredith were together."

"I think 11 years of marriage tops a few weeks of dating."

"Still."

"What are you going to do?"

Addison shrugged. "I still love him. I just don't think he loves me at all any more. And I don't want to be an obligation."

Finn nodded. "I'm sorry. I don't think you-or anyone-deserve this."

"Derek seems to think I do."

"That doesn't mean you do."

"But doesn't it?"

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Derek and Addison rode back to the trailer in silence. Addison tried not to let tears slip out, she tried not to cry. It was easier said than done, as she watched Derek stare straight ahead as if nothing had happened. As if their marriage wasn't unraveling and over. Forever.

Addison ran quickly to the shower, allowing her tears to flow in there. The water drained out and gurgled, and Addison took down her hair, washing it for what would be the last time in that shower. She used the rest of her raspberry shampoo and eventually her tears subsided. She dried off and slipped into pajamas, before crashing into bed. Derek was awake, Addison could tell, but she just lay there.

"So I guess this is the last time." Addison let the words come out harshly, not trying to hide that she knew.

"The last time…for what?" Derek felt unbelievably irritated with Addison, and he wasn't quite sure why. It might have something to do with having slept with Meredith earlier that evening, but that shouldn't make him irritated at his wife, should it?

"The last time we're going to sleep in the same bed."

Derek was floored. She knew. Addison knew. She knew he had slept with Meredith at prom. How the hell did she know? It had been mere hours ago. And yet she knew.

"What do you mean?"

Addison exhaled angrily. "You know perfectly well what I mean, Derek. You know perfectly damn well. I'd bet Meredith knows too. I may have cheated first, but I wanted you back. I wanted you, Derek, not Mark." Derek visibly winced at Mark's name, but Addison ignored it. "But you don't want me anymore, Derek. And I said I don't want to be with you if I'm unwanted, if you're just lusting after that intern. So I'm done. You obviously don't want me, I'm unwanted, and so I'm leaving." Addison paused, catching her breath. "And so that makes this the last time we'll be sleeping in the same bed."

Derek said nothing for a few minutes, afraid of what he would say. "Why didn't you just leave tonight?"

"I needed one more night. I don't care if you think of me as Meredith, hell; you might even leave later tonight for a quickie with Meredith. But Derek, I still love you, as idiotic as it is, and I can't just leave. I'm not that strong."

_I'm not that strong._ Derek could hardly believe Addison didn't think she was strong enough for that. This was Addison, the woman who hadn't cried at all on September 11, even though she had desperately wanted to. The woman who had watched her friend die of breast cancer and had sat at her funeral, on her death-bed as well. The woman who lost four babies in one day and made it to the next one. Addison was unbelievably strong. And she was saying she wasn't.

Addison's voice changed from the coldness it was before to a softer, quieter voice. "What is wrong with me?"

Derek didn't have anything to say. He stared at the ceiling of the trailer.

"I just, God, I want to know. I mean, am I too stubborn? Too opinionated? Or is it more of the physical? Am I too tall? Too red-haired? Am I horrible in bed compared to her? Do I talk too much? I want to know."

"It's just I-I mean," Derek stammered, "I never loved you again. I never forgave you. Nothing's wrong with you, it's just I never forgave you for…for Mark."

"Oh."

"And then I came out here and met-"

"Don't say her name. Please."

"And I met her. And she was a breath of fresh air from the suffocation I got out East. She wasn't you; she wasn't like you at all. I had a one-night stand that grew into a relationship and then lo-"

"I already know you love her, Derek, I don't need to hear it again. You told me at Christmas, remember?" Addison couldn't keep the bitterness out of her voice. "And I suppose you and Meredith make a more interesting story, right? I mean, we just met at med school. You met Meredith at a bar, and somehow grew a relationship from a one-night stand. God, tell that one to your children. Be sure to leave out the part about the adulterous bitch of a wife you currently had at the time. Or, maybe, just make me into the Wicked Witch of the East. Yeah, that will work. That way, they have someone to hate. Every good story has a villain. I can be the one in the Meredith-and-Derek love story."

Addison's voice shook as she finished. She was over, done. She glared at the numbers on the clock. The digital numbers blinked that it was 1:03 in the morning.

"And happy anniversary. Divorced on our anniversary. That'll be a twist."

Derek stared at the clock. He had forgotten it was their anniversary. They were, in all technicalities, married for 12 years on this day. It wasn't like it meant anything anymore though. He had Meredith now. Addison was leaving. He was getting exactly what he had wanted for months now.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I'm not proud of sleeping with her."

"Bullshit." Addison rarely cursed, but she had cursed more tonight than she had over the past few months.

"I'm not. It was wrong. You deserve better."

"Right. So now you can feel as if you're the better person. Because I deserve better, so you sleeping with Meredith is okay now?"

"No, Addison, it's not. I was married."

"That didn't stop me."

"That was different."

"Really, now. You can't go changing just because you're trying to prove a point. I slept with Mark. You slept with Meredith. I see no difference."

"You slept with Mark because I wasn't there. I was gone. You were right there when I slept with Meredith."

"No, Derek, do you really want to know why I slept with Mark?" Addison's voice rose. "I slept with Mark because I had fallen in love with Mark. I hadn't fallen out of love with you, but I fell more in love with Mark. Sure, he was there, but regardless, I fell in some sort of love with him. I kissed him that night and _asked_ him to take me to bed. I _asked_ him, Derek. I wanted to feel something. He didn't seduce me or get me drunk, I asked him. So I don't see a difference."

"You asked him?"

"I asked him."

"But…but…"

"But nothing. And you know what else? I stayed with Mark. After you left. After a week of you not being there, not coming back. A week of feeling like shit. He came over and stayed. For two months."

"Two…months."

"And then, him being Mark and all, I found him with another girl and it was over."

Derek's voice turned to stone. "So you come running back to me because you and Mark didn't work out? Because he treats you like he would any other girl? Did you actually think you'd be something special to him, Addison? Did you think he'd change because you're Addison?" Derek laughed coldly. "I've known Mark since kindergarten, Addison, I could've told you that. Even in junior high he was known for cheating and dating multiple girls at once. Did he tell you he loved you? Did he say this was not a fling? Did he say all of that?" When Addison said nothing, Derek continued. "He probably did. He probably said all of it and more. And he was lying, Addison. Lying. I loved you. You were not a fling to me. You _were_ something special to me. You _were _my best friend and the love of my life. And then I find you with him. And now I discover you've stayed with him. So happy anniversary, Addison. Happy goddamned anniversary."

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"What is this?"

"My letter of resignation. I'll stay six more weeks, but then I'm gone."

"Addison."

"Richard." Addison's tone met his evenly.

"What happened?"

Addison laughed quickly, shortly. "I know you don't pay attention to rumors, Richard, but you had to hear this one."

"It's not true." Richard looked at Addison sadly.

"It's absolutely true. Absolutely true."

"And you are both…really over?"

Addison sighed. "He doesn't love me anymore."

"You're sure?"

"He slept with Meredith at prom last night, Richard." Addison rapped her knuckles on the desk, the physical pain much better than the emotional pain.

"But you couldn't stay?"

"And watch my husband's romantic story unfold while mine stays boxed up? No thank you."

"You still love him?"

Addison pursed her lips. "Of course I still love him. He's…Derek." She stared wistfully out into space. "But now, I guess, he's McDreamy."

Richard placed his hand over his. "I really am sorry. Where are you going?"

"I'm going back to New York. I'm-" Addison paused, catching her tears, "-selling the Brownstone. I'll find an apartment or something. And move on. Start over."

Addison felt a tear fall out of her eye. Richard watched as she sank onto the couch. She buried her face in her hands and felt everything crash. She had been doing so well. For two hours. It was still good. And now she couldn't. She didn't want to think about going back to New York yet.

He came over and placed his hands on her back, rubbing it gently.

"I was so stupid. I shouldn't have ever slept with Mark. I shouldn't have stayed with him. I shouldn't have aborted his baby. And most of all, I shouldn't have even tried to get Derek back. How do I compete with a woman fifteen years younger than me? How do I? Derek didn't love me even when we were in New York. Towards the end, at least. We used to be in love. Whatever happened to it? What happened to that love?"

"Addison…I don't…"

There was a sharp rap on the door and Derek opened it. He saw Addison collapsed on the couch and his face turned cold and hard.

"What is she doing here?"

Richard's face changed, he glared at Derek furiously.

"I'm resigning, Derek." Addison looked up from tear-stained eyes. "I'm resigning and moving back to New York."

"To go be with Mark?" Derek practically spat it at Addison.

"No. I'm going back so I don't have to watch you and Meredith in elevators, in on-call rooms, in exam rooms."

"And you're also hoping Mark will take you back."

"No, Derek, I'm not. Not at all."

Derek laughed, not believing Addison. She looked at him and felt her heart break all over again.

"Derek, just go. I can talk to you later." Richard's tone exhibited one of the utmost formalities. Derek smirked and shut the door, not before stealing a final glance at Addison, throwing horrible looks in her direction.

Richard sighed, looking at Addison. "I understand why you have to leave, Addison."

Addison nodded. "You know, twelve years ago to date, I would've never imagined this was happening. Never. I was getting married. I believed it'd be forever. Until death. We said the vows. I thought we meant them. We didn't."

"Do you need the day off?" Richard didn't know what else to say.

Addison shook her head. "I need to work. I need to stop thinking about it."

"Okay."

Addison stood up, gathering herself up and wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry Richard. I really would stay. I just can't."

Richard shook his head. "Addison, please don't be sorry. Please."

"Okay."

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"Karev, what do you think you're doing?"

Alex straightened up, staring at Addison. "Nothing, Doctor Montgomery-Shepherd."

"Please don't call me that."

Alex knew what she was talking about, but he was once again angry for being with her. "Call you what?"

"I think you know pretty damn well, Karev."

"Sorry, Mrs. Montgomery-Shepherd."

Addison bit her lip and tried not to cry. "That's not it either." She started shaking her head quickly, and Alex looked at her.

"Sorry." He said it fast, so that he didn't seem overly sensitive.

She looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears. "Can you please go bring Miss Swenson up to date on her baby and meet me in twenty minutes with Mrs. Raleigh?"

"Sure." Alex wasn't sure why he agreed. He felt bad. He had heard about Meredith and Derek, and just couldn't understand it. He couldn't even approve of it. It just seemed so wrong. Derek had been married. Meredith had known that then. And still they had had sex. With Addison just yards away.

Addison hurried to the elevator and pressed the up button. She just needed to go get coffee from that one coffee cart upstairs on the sixth floor. She stepped into the empty elevator, breathing easily.

The elevator doors clicked open on the second floor, and Meredith stepped in. Addison would've left, but she didn't notice until it was too late. Meredith stood off to the other corner, shrinking. Meredith chewed on her nails.

"Add-Dr. Montgomery-I…I'm sorry."

Addison put up her hand. "Save it. I don't care."

Meredith shrunk back. Addison wished and prayed the elevator would move faster. Addison knew she was mean, but this was the woman who had slept with her husband. Last night. Less than 24 hours ago. Addison was allowed to be mean.

She grabbed a coffee from the cart and decided to walk down the stairs to the floor, figuring it was easier to avoid Meredith, and more importantly, Derek on them. She navigated down two flights, but then was met with talking.

"I ran into Addison in the elevator."

And then Addison heard Derek's voice. "What did she say?"

"I tried to apologize and she brushed me off."

Derek reached out to touch a strand of Meredith's hair. "I'm so sorry."

Meredith pushed his hand away. "Derek…you're still married."

"Not for long. A few more hours. Then I'm free."

_Free._ Addison was letting him free. In letting him free, in divorce, Addison felt like she was being trapped. Like some sort of box was coming down on her. Like her oxygen was cut off. She was certainly defined by Derek. She was certainly independent. She was both. It was possible. She'd been defined by Derek for 14 years. He had been defined by her as well. They had been each other's definitions. But come this afternoon, they wouldn't be.

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Addison felt the pen in her hands. It was smooth and long. The ink was thick and black and would make a lasting signature. Apparently more lasting than the signature she had made when she got married.

Derek sat across from her. He looked altogether too joyful. Too happy for divorce. Addison wanted to curl up into a ball, but she couldn't. She had to sit.

"Please sign and date the papers." The lawyer spoke in dull tones. Addison had the overwhelming desire to look at the clock.

3:30. Irony was a cruel thing. As if it wasn't bad enough that she was getting divorced on her anniversary, but she was getting divorced exactly 12 years from the wedding ceremony. She quickly signed the papers. Derek signed his and Addison felt a tear fall out of her eye. She wiped it away and focused on the lawyer. He was talking about what was to be divided up.

"Dr. Montgomery can have the Brownstone, and start a safe haven for adulterous wives." Derek's use of Dr. Montgomery made Addison feel worse than ever. That, combined with the comment following, made Addison angry and heartbroken at the same time. "I'd like the house in the Hamptons. She never enjoyed it anyway. Meredith will love it."

He was going to bring Meredith there. Meredith. Meredith might sleep in the same bed she had. Use the couches Addison had spent months deciding on. Use the same sink, the same towels. Addison felt sick.

"That just leaves the house at Santa Monica."

Addison didn't say anything. Derek smiled. "If Dr. Montgomery doesn't mind, I think we should sell it and divide the money."

"Dr. Montgomery?"

Addison had been a million miles away, at their wedding, to be precise. "I don't care."

"So that's a 'yes'?"

Addison shrugged.

"Dr. Montgomery, we need a worded response."

"Yes. Sell the house."

The lawyer smiled, gathering up his papers. "Everything else is taken care of."

"Thank you for coming on such short notice." Derek continued smiling. Addison felt everything inside her crash for what must have been the hundredth time that day.

"Not a problem, Doctor Shepherd." The lawyer left the room, leaving them alone.

Addison stood up numbly. "I'll go get my things now, that way you don't have to have them when you bring Meredith back tonight."

"How very considerate of you, Dr. Montgomery."

"What would you like me to do with you things at the Brownstone?"

Derek smirked. "Mark's the same size as me. He can have them."

Addison walked out of the room quickly, trying to get anywhere than where she was.

She would never think of this day happily again. It used to be the happiest day of her life. And now it couldn't be.

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**A/N: So, there it is. Derek's a jerk; but he's still dealing with the whole staying-with-Mark thing. And if you don't trust me that this could even begin to be Addek, just do. I have like a natural radar in me that transports me back to Addison-and-Derek-land. Always. **

**By the way, as I finish this chapter the song which is the title of this story comes on. Coincidence? I think not. **


	2. Won't Fall Apart Again

**A/N: Wow, I didn't expect that many reviews on the first chapter. Sweet. I know you all are very curious how I'm going to get it back, but I will, fear not. It will be some kind of a rollercoaster, but I never said it would be an easy trip. **

**Disclaimer: The title is a song by Headlights, and I think if I made the title 'Take Us Apart and Put Us Back Together Right' it'd make more sense for this story, but that's way too long of a title, so it's just what it is. The title of this chapter is from the song 'Not Falling Apart' by Maroon 5. And no, I still don't own Grey's Anatomy.**

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Addison stepped under the neon lights of the bar sign. She sighed, looking up at the bartender. She wasn't at Joe's; that was to be sure. Derek was probably there, and if not Derek than any number of Meredith's insipid friends.

"What would you like, ma'am?"

"Just…white wine, please."

The bartender nodded and got out a long-stemmed glass. Addison watched as he filled it. There had been white wine at her wedding. She remembered. She wondered if Derek did anymore.

She took a sip of the wine and looked down at her hands. Her wedding rings still adorned her fingers. She couldn't bring herself to take them off. Not yet, anyway. She would have to soon. She just wouldn't take the wedding rings off on her wedding day. It seemed wrong. Just about as wrong as divorcing on your anniversary.

A man sat down next to her, and ordered a beer. He watched Addison sit there. Addison knew he wanted her to talk, but Addison hadn't come to the bar to talk. She had come to the bar to think. To think about her failed marriage.

"Someone as gorgeous as you shouldn't be sitting alone." The man's voice was musky and reminded her of Mark's. She shouldn't be thinking about Mark, especially now, but memory was a funny thing.

Addison squirmed. "Yeah, well, I've made it this far."

"I'm Parker. Parker Dawson." He stuck out a sturdy hand, rough with age. He looked around forty, with light green eyes and brown hair. He wasn't the kind of breathtaking 'Prince Charming' Derek was, or the sexy, almost god-like man Mark was. But he was decent looking. Good looking, even. Just so different from what Addison knew.

"I'm Addison. Addison Shep-Montgomery." Addison corrected herself quickly.

"Shep-Montgomery?"

"Just Montgomery."

Parker looked at Addison curiously. She shrugged, casting her eyes downward.

"I'm a chemist."

"I'm a doctor."

Parker nodded. Addison sat nervously. She should've gone to the hotel; there she could've had her drink alone and been in the perfect position for crying. But maybe this was good. Getting out, forgetting for a while. Just adopting a new policy of rules.

He seemed to sense she didn't want to talk and left her alone for a while. Addison ordered another glass of wine and after that one Parker looked a hell of a lot more interesting.

"So you're a chemist?"

Parker nodded. "I work with polymers in tires and such."

"That's exciting. I was always good at chemistry in high school."

"But you took the high road and became a doctor."

Addison laughed. "Not really. Everyone dreams of becoming a doctor. I bet your career was more unique."

"Lots of Star Trek fans."

"Are you one of them?"

Parker laughed. "Me? God, I sure hope not. Why? Are you?"

Addison smiled. "No. But if I said 'yes' would you say 'yes' too?"

"Am I that obvious?"

"A little bit. But we're in a bar, so it's forgivable."

"So, what brings you to this bar?"

Addison wasn't sure if she was talking now or if it was the third glass of wine. "My husband, well, ex-husband and I got divorced today."

Parker touched Addison's arm. She didn't move it away. "I'm so sorry."

"It's also our twelfth wedding anniversary. But I guess not anymore."

"That's probably the most sad reason to be in a bar, ever."

"Yeah, well. It was all my fault. I slept with his best friend last year."

"I'm sure it wasn't all your fault."

Addison sighed. "No, it wasn't. But I was the one who actually cheated. Derek was just…gone. And then his best friend's there and I just…I wanted something. And then Derek finds us and runs to this place, this town, from New York and 'falls in love' with an intern. I followed him out here, and he only chose me out of obligation. He still 'loved' her." Addison fiddled with her rings. "Who, by the way, he slept with last night at the hospital's prom. With me simply yards away."

Parker didn't know what to say. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry, you probably don't care. Why are you here?"

"Just a long day at work."

"I know those."

Parker nodded. "I bet you know them a lot better then I do. My version of long day is having to work until ten. I'd be willing to bet your version of a long day involves working two days straight."

"Something like that."

After making chatter for an hour, Addison stood up. She tossed a few folded bills on the table and half-expected Parker to stand up and follow her. He didn't.

He did, however, turn to speak to her. "When I came into this bar and saw you, I thought, 'God, I really want to bring her home with me.' And it's not that I still don't, because you're so beautiful and you have the personality to go with your beauty, but you're far too hurt and I am not a jackass. So, Addison Montgomery, I just had a conversation with a brilliant woman. My night was pretty damn good, I'd say. Better than most nights I come to bars."

Addison gave a weak smile. "Thanks."

"Not a problem. If I ever see your husband on the street, I'll kick him or something. Make it look like an accident."

"Good."

Addison walked back outside and hailed a taxi. She almost wished Parker would've taken advantage of her and taken her back to his house. She admired Parker's integrity and respect, and knew she'd have regretted it if she did end up doing something, but Addison just didn't want to sleep alone tonight. Especially on her anniversary.

Because she was the farthest thing from being over with Derek. She still loved him desperately and deeply. He said he didn't love her. Addison wondered if that was true. He said he hadn't forgiven her. Addison wondered if that was true as well.

But it didn't even matter anymore. Because Derek was with Meredith and Meredith was all he cared about now. Addison was just an afterthought.

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Derek smiled at Meredith from across the table in the restaurant. He smiled his trademarked grin at her and she smiled back.

"This is nice, Derek."

"Yeah, Meredith, this is wonderful. Almost like no time has really passed and that Addison coming to Seattle was just a bad dream."

Meredith felt guilty. She had slept with Derek, causing the ultimate end of their marriage, watched Derek sign the divorce papers, and now she was out on a date with him. All in less than a day.

"What's wrong, Meredith?"

"I just…isn't this moving too fast?"

"What?"

"You got divorced less than twelve hours ago and now we are on a date."

Derek shook his head. "Meredith, Addison and I getting divorced today was just a technicality. Signing the papers just made something official that had been unofficial for a long time."

"I don't think Addison was divorced from you before today."

"She divorced me when she slept with Mark."

"But Derek…"

"Listen, Meredith, I was married to her for almost 12 years. So yes, I did love her once. But we haven't been in love for a long time. And now she and I don't even have to try. We don't have to pretend there's still something there anymore. So can you and I just enjoy this dinner? Please?"

Meredith poked at her steak. "Sure."

"Because I love you, Meredith."

"Fine."

"Meredith, please don't get mad. Don't you get it? You're not the bad guy here. Just don't worry about it. Addison'll be fine."

"Okay."

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Addison crawled into the large hotel bed, hating every moment of it. She would give anything to be completely drunk right now, having sex with Parker. Almost anything. Because the silence folded around her and she had never felt worse. This day had been horrible. It had been one day of shit. She didn't want to remember this.

Her phone rang again, and she knew it was Savvy, or Nancy, or Naomi. They were calling her on her anniversary. They didn't know about the divorce yet, and Addison wasn't going to tell them. She threw the phone across the room and heard it crack as it hit the wall. It stopped mid-ring and died out.

She wrapped her arms around a pillow. It was too quiet. There was nothing. And it was even more quiet that usual. Derek hadn't been home, or to the trailer, plenty of nights. But it was different kind of quiet. It's as if the quiet knew that there wouldn't even be the slightest chance of anything.

Addison stared at the ceiling. Now she was going crazy, assuming something as inanimate as quiet could know something. She turned to her side and tried to fall asleep, but this position didn't change anything.

She didn't bother wiping away the tears from her eyes, no one could see them. They dripped over the bridge of her nose and onto the pillow. Eventually they grew and matted her hair. She wasn't asleep, it couldn't even constitute as crying herself to sleep. Her marriage was over. This was worse than when he left. At least then she thought they still had a chance. They didn't. Her husband fell in some kind of puppy-dog 'love' with an intern. Addison refused to believe it was real love. Real love was something that started and took time and even when it was real you were afraid to call it that for a long, long time because it might disappear as quickly as it came.

At least that's how Addison saw it.

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Derek lay next to Meredith, breathing heavily. The sheets were sticky with sweat.

"That was…"

"Yeah."

Derek could still smell Addison. Her perfume. Why did it smell so much like her perfume? She had been here only just last night, but then it hadn't smelled like her. Or maybe Derek just didn't notice.

"Mere."

"Mm."

"Can we go to your house?"

Meredith sat up. "Now?"

"Yeah."

Meredith looked at Derek. "Why?"

"Because I keep remembering last night in this trailer and it's not something I want to remember. I want to remember you."

"But Izzie's a wreck."

"Meredith…"

Meredith sighed. "Fine. I'll be closer to work anyway."

Derek kissed her gently on the lips. "Thank you."

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It was early. It was late. Addison didn't know what to call it. She had just been up for a long time. Too long. She had gotten to sleep for a few moments but had woken up in tears not an hour later.

She didn't want to be this woman. The last time she had been this woman, she had ended up staying with Mark for two months because he brought her back up. He made her feel complete again even if everything was screwed up. So what would happen this time?

She could call Mark. She could call Mark and he'd come and they'd have some kind of sex and she'd try to forget about the pain that was ripping her apart. And then he'd leave, or maybe he'd stay. Addison didn't think it was fair to do that to Mark again. She didn't love him like he deserved. She couldn't. Because to her, Mark would always signify the end of her marriage. And he didn't deserve that.

She could find Parker's name in the phonebook and ask him to come over. He could just be a rebound. But he didn't deserve that either. He had been nothing but nice tonight. Nothing but charming and friendly and-oh God-that would make her some kind of whore. And maybe he wouldn't even do anything. Maybe he was that nice. That considerate.

Addison stood up. She would just go back to work. She could focus there. It was also early, so Derek and that intern wouldn't be there yet. She slipped into the shower. Her first shower as a single woman in over fourteen years. It was a stupid, a small landmark, but it was something. She dressed quickly, attempting to get out of the hotel as soon as she could. It was choking her. It was showing the world that her marriage hadn't worked out and she had lost. Because it was all a game. Regardless of what anyone said.

She slipped in the hospital doors and changed right as an ambulance came in. She sent a silent prayer of thanks to whoever was listening. This would be a wonderful distraction. Horribly wonderful. People were dead, but Addison didn't have to think about Derek for a good three hours.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Richard watched as Addison strolled in the hospital, high heels and all, at four in the morning. He knew she hated pity, but he pitied her right now. He pitied the fact that Derek had left her so readily. He pitied the fact that her marriage hadn't worked out, even though she had been trying so hard. He pitied the fact that she had probably spent her anniversary all alone, reminiscing about a man she still loved. Richard pitied the fact that she was too proud to admit defeat and accept help. Richard pitied her and couldn't change that.

He met her in the lobby four hours later.

"Addison."

"Richard. Fancy seeing you here. Shouldn't you be with Adele?"

He looked at her, and was only met with unresponsive eyes. "How are you?"

"I'm doing just fine. I saved a mother and her baby. I found out I have surgery today. I'm happy."

Richard took a glance at her left hand, confirming what he already suspected. Her rings were still there.

"So, Richard, I hear Izzie Stevens is going through quite an ordeal."

Amazed at how quickly she could change the subject, he nodded. "Denny Duquette has died, and we believe it is a result of Dr. Stevens, or possibly Dr. O'Malley, Dr. Yang, or," Richard paused, afraid of the name he was about to speak. "Or Dr. Grey."

For the briefest of seconds, Richard caught a distraught look from Addison. She composed herself instantly, though, and smiled. "These interns are giving you a run for your money. And sanity."

"No kidding."

Derek and Meredith entered through the main doors, holding hands while Derek pushing Meredith's hair from her face gently. Addison quickly excused herself, murmuring something about a patient. Richard suddenly envisioned a fifty pound anvil dropping on Derek's head.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"Yang, you're with me today."

Cristina groaned. "Vagina squad?"

Addison glared at Cristina. "We could make it scut, if you like."

"No, Dr. Montgomery, I'm good."

"Fantastic. Let's go."

Cristina tracked behind Addison and followed her into a room containing a woman with her six-week premature baby.

"Miss Delana Williams. Age 25. She had her baby Friday at four in the afternoon, six weeks premature. No problems are visible but the baby is in an incubator for the time being." Cristina recited the chart snidely.

Addison nodded. "Miss Williams we're-"

"Please, call me Delana."

"Delana. We're going to keep you here for a few weeks, just because your baby is so premature."

Delana nodded. "That's fine."

"We may have to do surgery."

"But not yet?"

"No, not yet."

"That's good."

Addison nodded and signaled to have Cristina follow her out of the room. Cristina rolled her eyes. Addison turned around in the hallway and narrowed her eyes at Cristina.

"Look, I know you're Meredith's friend and all, but don't openly mock me in front of _my _patients. Actually, you have no reason to anymore. Meredith won. She got her 'McDreamy.' So whatever the hell your problem is, drop it."

"With all due respect, Dr. Montgomery, it's not you. I just don't really want to look at babies all day."

"Rather be on cardio?"

Cristina nodded.

"Well, you're stuck with me. So make the best of it."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Derek watched Addison eat lunch alone. "Why is she still wearing her wedding rings?"

"I don't know," Meredith said. "Maybe she's just having a hard time getting over the marriage."

Derek shook his head. "That's not it. She's keeping them on to spite me, I think."

"Maybe." Meredith took at bite of her salad. Derek shook his head and looked back at Meredith.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For focusing on her. I just can't believe she won't take her rings off."

"It's only been a day."

"I guess so." Derek kissed Meredith on the cheek. "I missed the way you smelled."

Meredith laughed. "Isn't that a bit odd?"

Derek shrugged. "Just a tad. But it's true. You smell so good. Lavender. And whatnot."

"General flowers." Meredith's pager rang and she looked down at it. "I have to go."

Derek kissed her again. "See you later."

Meredith smiled. "Yeah."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Addison flipped to the next page of the magazine. She wasn't really reading it, but she couldn't just sit alone. A shadow cast over the article about Italian leather and she looked up.

"Dr. Torres."

"Dr. Torres? You can call me Callie. We don't have to be formal. Anyway, can I sit here?"

Addison nodded tentatively. "Sure."

"I just don't like sitting alone. And the only other people eating are the asshole of the century, who I hate, and Dr. Smithe, who seems to dislike me."

Addison smiled. "Well, Dr. Smithe likes no one."

"Very true."

"Listen, this is all I'll say about it, but I really am sorry you had such a bastard of a husband the other night."

Addison shrugged. "Yeah."

"Anyway. Do you have any good surgeries today?"

"I have a C-Section later, but nothing else. I had one this morning, though. What about you?"

Callie shook her head. "Nothing. It's so dull. Not the hospital, because they have a lot going on with Denny Duquette and all. But the actual work aspect."

"Yeah, that's insane. Richard doesn't know who did it."

"I'm sure he has some guesses."

"He's got about four guesses. And one more prominent than others, as I'm sure you can guess, but still."

"Yeah. That must be hard."

"For Dr. Stevens I'm sure it is as well. Last I heard she's moping on the floor of the bathroom."

"Who'd you hear that from?"

"Yang was speaking to O'Malley."

Callie nodded. "Interesting. Will she come back?"

Addison shrugged. "Maybe. She'd be a darn good obstetrician though."

"She must have really loved Denny."

"Or really not loved him."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, Denny might've died had she not cut the LVAD wire, but he might have lived. She took too big of a risk by cutting it. She risked his life and her own career."

"Well, it's hard to say. Seattle Grace has turned into a soap opera set."

"Derek and I contributed a lot of that."

Callie blushed. "That's not what I-I mean well-"

"We did. I know it. He probably does too. I mean, where else do you get a cheating wife arriving out of nowhere to break up McDreamy and his one-night-stand-turned-girlfriend?"

Callie shrugged.

"Days of Our Lives."

"Well…"

"It's true."

Callie nodded. "I guess, if you put it like that."

Addison sighed. "I have to go though."

"Alright. Bye."

"See you around."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Savvy looked puzzled at her phone as she heard a recorded message telling her that Addison's phone was out of order. Addison never let her phone go out of order, and if she did she had a new one within a few hours. Addison hated being unreachable. Savvy sat down and pushed a few more buttons, trying again and again, as she had been for the past day. It had been Addison and Derek's anniversary yesterday and Savvy had wanted to wish them well.

Except now that Addison wasn't picking up her phone, Savvy was concerned. Addison should've called back by now. This was unlike her. What had happened?

xxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: I know, I know, Derek's still just horrible, if anything he's worse now, but it's a day later. Just a day. My radar is…radaring? Searching? Whatever it's doing, it's doing its job. Just trust me. **


	3. Let Go in Small Doses

**A/N: Aw, you're all sweet. Thanks for the reviews. They make me happy. **

**Disclaimer: No, don't own it. Title is from the song 'Ode to Divorce' by Regina Spektor and the quote later in the story is by Horatio Nelson.**

xxxxxxxxxx

"Hello, this is Derek Shepherd speaking."

"This is Savvy."

"Oh. How are you?"

"I was just wondering if you knew anything about Addison getting a new phone."

"No. You got her Seattle number?"

"Yeah. It's out of order though."

Derek sighed. "I don't know. Maybe it's just not charged."

"Derek, what the hell happened between you two?"

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that I called her two days ago to wish her a happy anniversary and I got nothing. No answer, just voicemail. Then, later that night, an out-of-order message. So what the hell happened?"

"Savvy…Addison should tell you. She's your best friend."

"I'm going to keep calling you until you figure out her phone number or tell me what you did."

"What makes you think I did anything?"

"Because you're still in Seattle. Had Addison done something, you'd be in Europe by now."

It was true. Derek paused. "We divorced. Addison and I."

Savvy cursed. "Why?"

"Because nothing worked out."

"And?"

"No 'and', Savvy. Just divorce. It wasn't working out and wasn't going to."

"It was working out; Addison was convinced you two were going to be okay."

"Things cropped up."

"That intern."

"She has a name."

"She doesn't deserve to be called it."

"I have to go."

"You're an ass, Derek Shepherd."

"Glad to hear it."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Day five. Five days. It was Addison's fifth day as a divorcee. She was still wearing her wedding rings, and still hating to believe it was true. However, she had stopped crying at work and was able to smile a little bit. And in roughly 35 days, she could leave. Seattle could be history.

Savvy had finally gotten a hold of her yesterday. Addison had been able to downplay all of her emotions and begged Savvy not to come out to Seattle. Addison could do this. This would not make her weak. Savvy agreed not to come but insisted Addison come visit the second she got back home.

The elevator clicked open and Derek stepped in, holding a box. He thrust it at Addison and she looked down at the tag. It was addressed in curly script to an 'Addison and Derek Shepherd'. The upper-left corner gave the address of Derek's mother, in New Jersey.

"You can have it. It's always the same thing anyway."

"Haven't you told your mother we're divorced yet?"

"Why would I?"

"She's your mother."

"Have you called your parents?"

"No. But you and your mother are closer than me and my parents will ever be."

"She'll figure it out eventually."

Addison held back her tears. "I'm glad to see our marriage deteriorating was so hard for you."

"Facts were left out of the original story, Addison. Things have changed."

"So the past, oh, fourteen years meant nothing to you."

"They meant a hell of a lot to me until I found you in our bed with my best friend."

"Don't I wish I could just switch off all of that. As soon as you ran off after Meredith, everything about our past just disappears."

Derek said nothing.

"We were in love Derek; we were in a breathtaking yet comfortable love. I don't know if you remember that. But it's absolutely true. I was the love of your life and your best friend. Meredith can never be that."

"Don't be a bitch."

"She can be the love of your life, but not your best friend. Or vice-versa. But never both. Never both."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison pulled open the box. There was a note inside, in Nancy's handwriting. Addison flicked it open first.

_Addison-_

_I know. Savvy told me. Don't be angry, because it's good I know. I can help. I don't know what happened or how badly Derek messed up, but please, call me. I know you don't want to, but just do. _

_Also, please don't think that we can't talk anymore. I know you screwed up with Mark, but I haven't forgotten the years of absence from Derek. I also haven't forgotten the phone call I got from you the day after the affair, the day after he left. Telling you we can't talk anymore because you had an affair would make me a complete bitch._

_Addison, I know you still love Derek, and I know that no matter how hard you pretend you don't you still do. I really am sorry. I really do want to be there for you, and it's taking all of my will not to fly out right now and help. _

_ Love,_

_ Nancy _

Addison shoved the letter back in the envelope. It was nice to know Nancy cared. Would she still care if she heard about the two months after? If she heard about the abortion? About everything? Nancy could say that Derek was a jerk and she hated him, but Derek was her brother, and blood was thicker than water, even if Addison had been Nancy's sister-in-law for twelve years.

Underneath the letter was a quickly written note from Mrs. Shepherd.

_Addison and Derek-_

"_Desperate affairs require desperate remedies."_

_I know you have both been through more than you should, and things haven't been easy. But as the quote says, desperate remedies are required. For desperate affairs. Both of the affairs you two played a role in were desperate affairs. Addison moving from New York was a desperate remedy to a desperate situation._

_But now, things are going better for you both, and here it is, your 12__th__ anniversary. I love you both so much and I know that you both love each another amid the muck. _

Addison closed her eyes and pulled out a trivet amid the bubble-wrap. Another trivet. It was pretty, hand painted in Poland as the tag read, but it was so simple, so normal, that it wasn't right. She had gotten a trivet from Mrs. Shepherd every year, every year since their engagement.

It just wasn't right. Addison picked it up and set it back down, and then picked it up again. Mrs. Shepherd's letter was worse. God, if only they were okay. If only the desperate measures and the desperate affairs had somehow brought them back to each other.

They had only pulled them further apart though.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Asshole."

"Excuse me?" Derek spun around in the empty hall of the hospital. His sister, Kathleen, stood there with her hand on her hip.

She didn't smile. She didn't look happy to see him. She looked angry. Just angry.

"Kathleen."

"Derek."

"How, uh, are, why are you, erm…"

"I have a consult. Apparently someone's gone absolutely crazy in Seattle."

"I see. You're not out here to see…"

"Addison? No. And it'd be in your damn best interests not to mention this visit to Addison. She didn't want anyone out here."

"Because she and I so commonly talk."

"Stop being an ass."

"Me? What about Addison? She stayed with Mark, for two months. Two months, Kathleen, and then when she found him with another woman she ran out here to see if I'd take her."

Kathleen had obviously not heard this information and the anger on her face left. However, it was quickly replaced. "Derek, what the hell was she supposed to do? Wait for you? You left the state; you left everything and told no one."

"Two months. Two months with Mark."

"How long were you with Meredith?"

"Kathleen, I was getting past the fact that my wife had an affair."

"You just don't get it. You didn't hear about her call to Nancy. She was crying, she was a wreck. Mark, I'm sure, came over to try and help the mess you left. I'm not justifying her affair, but Derek, what did you want her to do?"

_Come find me. _He thought it but didn't say anything. Of course, when Addison did find him he couldn't have been more angry and annoyed, but he had thought Addison would find him within a month, at the most. She didn't. She was with Mark.

"Derek?"

"I don't know. I just…I just thought she and Mark were a one-time deal."

"You threw her out of the house, Derek. You threw her into the rain."

"What if you came home and found Peter with another woman; no, make that your best friend; and you saw them having sex, in your bed? What would you do then?"

"I don't…I don't know."

"Would you forgive him?"

Kathleen said nothing.

"Would you take him back?"

"Derek, I haven't been absent. God damn it, I go home. I have kids. I go to their games. Peter and I talk. We have sex more than once a month. I am not you. I'm not at work all the time. I love Peter."

"So because I was absent Addison having an affair was okay?"

"No. But it changes things."

"Yeah, so does her sleeping with Mark. As well as finding out she stayed with Mark."

"We haven't even gotten to the heart of the matter though. Why did you divorce? Did you find out she stayed with Mark?"

"Yes."

"How?"

"She told me."

"When?"

"The night before we got divorced."

"Why'd she tell you?"

"I don't know."

"No reason."

"None."

Kathleen glared at Derek. "Bullshit."

"What?"

"She wouldn't just tell you. Addison is the picture of planning and consideration. She wouldn't bring that up then. Not unless there was something else she was trying to prove."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about."

"That slutty intern."

Derek winced. Kathleen smiled.

"That's it. I got you. What happened?"

"I slept with Meredith at the hospital prom." Derek sounded almost…proud of himself.

Kathleen dropped her phone. It clattered and bounced around. She didn't seem to notice. "You…you…you what?"

"I slept with Meredith at prom."

"You bastard. You poor excuse for a human. That's just…that's…I just. My God. She was right there when you slept with that intern. Right there. You asked Addison to prom too. She was so damn excited. But then, apparently, Meredith stole your poor excuse for a heart."

"And Addison knew." Derek was still amazed Addison knew right after it happened.

"Well of course she did. You're not discreet. Neither was she, by the way."

"How so?"

"She slept with Mark in your house in your room on a night when she knew you'd be home. She wasn't going to hide this from you, Derek. She wanted you to find her."

_She wanted you to find her._ That wasn't right. Addison wouldn't have…she couldn't have…why would…Addison wanted him to know. She wanted to throw something in his face. She wanted to prove to Derek she was still there. And that she had fallen in love with another man. That he had lost her.

"I'm right, Derek. You're just an ass. She just wanted you, Derek; she's always just wanted you. She may have fallen in love with Mark, but she's always wanted you. She's always loved you."

"It doesn't matter anymore." Derek's voice was flat and cold. And then he repeated it, because it felt so much better. "It doesn't matter."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Meredith came behind Derek and dangled her fingers on his shoulder. He turned around, annoyed.

"What, Meredith?"

Meredith stopped short. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing."

"Derek."

Derek shrugged. "My sister was just here. Guilt-tripping me into everything."

"Like me?"

"No. Not you, specifically. Well, a little."

Meredith cast her eyes downward. "I'm sorry."

Derek stopped, and engulfed Meredith in his arms. "God, no, don't be. It wasn't your fault."

"I could've stopped."

"I wouldn't have."

Meredith paused. She was afraid of the question that would next pass her lips, but she had to ask. "Derek, if you hadn't found out about Addison staying with Mark, would you still be here with me, right now?"

Derek's first response was 'Yes, of course I would be.' But then, before he could form the words, he stopped. He might be. But probably not. He wouldn't rush to Meredith this quickly. He'd feel horrible about Addison. He might be in the process of divorce, but there wouldn't have been the several thousand dollar rush he put on his and Addison's just days ago. He wouldn't be staying with Meredith every night. "I'd be getting to you. Things would be different, though. So maybe it's better I knew."

"If she hadn't told you, would you still love her?"

_Yes._ Of course he would. Not as much as he loved Meredith, but he'd still love her. He'd still care. "Meredith, that's not important."

"Derek, answer the question."

"Yes, Meredith, I would."

"Do you still love her now? Even just a little?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

Meredith knew he wasn't.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Miranda Bailey sat down next to Addison, who was reading a book.

"Who has time to read anymore?"

Addison looked up. "Hey, Miranda. And I have time at lunch."

"What are you reading?"

"Pride and Prejudice."

"I take it you've read it before?"

"Quite a few times. I haven't read it in twelve years though."

"Why?"

"On my wedding day I thought I'd found my 'Mr. Darcy', as it were, so I sealed the book away in a box and vowed not to ever read it again."

"Why?"

"Because I thought I wouldn't need to dream of the perfect man again." Addison took a deep breath. "But now it seems I need to."

Miranda nodded slowly. "Okay."

"It's weird and sentimental, I know."

"Yeah, well, not like I'd say anything about it. Especially not to you."

"I'm not six, Miranda, I can handle things."

"Like your divorce. You've handled that so well." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Well, you know."

Miranda smiled. "Although, I will give you credit, you're doing a hell of a better job then most people."

"You think?"

"Yeah. But I have to wonder how you ever married that pompous, self-absorbed ass."

"He wasn't always like this. I mean, he always had the god-like complex, because he's a doctor, but he wasn't always such a jerk."

"I'll take your word for it. All I've seen is a jerk. Even before we all knew about you. But I've never been one for my interns' relationships."

"Really, Miranda? I never would've guessed."

"Yeah. You're hilarious."

Addison dipped her fork into the salad and folded the corner of her page, shutting the book. She put it into her purse and focused intently on the red of the tomato in the carton.

Miranda looked at her. "How are you, really?"

Addison laughed. "I'm sick of people asking me that." Her tone changed. "I'm okay. I'm surviving. It's really not fun. I can't look at Meredith without wanting to take the sharpest object I can find and shoving it in her eye. I can't look at Derek without feeling a million different conflicting emotions. Ranging from pure hatred to absolute love. And to top it all off, all of Derek's family knows except his mother, and I don't want her to find out too late. And I don't want to be the one who tells her."

"He hasn't told his own mother?"

"No. I haven't told my parents, but that's just because we were never that close. But Derek and his mom…and his sisters…God, they're like a perfect family."

"Derek's dad?"

"Died when Derek was four."

"That's sad."

"It is." Addison stood up. "Listen, I've got to go. But thanks, Miranda."

"No problem."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Anyone at Mount Sinai that morning could tell Dr. Mark Sloan was in a bad mood. Even his patients who had no life-threatening surgery asked to wait a day. He was furious.

And of course it dealt with Addison and Derek. Nancy had run into him last night at a coffee shop and broken the news to him. He'd had half a mind to fly out to Seattle right then, but Nancy had warned against that. Instead, he'd been stewing. He'd been angry and upset.

He knew he should be angry at himself, but he couldn't be. He knew the affair was wrong, but then why hadn't it felt wrong? It had. But not as wrong as was to be expected. He hadn't broken their marriage. He had, but not…not as much.

Meredith was Derek's choice, not his. Meredith was Derek's mistake. Meredith was not Mark's mistake. Meredith was Derek's mistake. Derek's screw-up. Not Mark's.

He and Addison had screwed up too. But Mark had known it was purposeful. The actual event. Not Addison falling in love with him, which she had later confessed she did, but the night they finally brought all the feelings out was. It was the night Addison knew Derek was coming home. She wanted him to find out. Mark knew that, but that changed nothing about his feelings. Addison loved Mark as well. She was married and it shouldn't exist. But the love had. Not as strong as the love for Derek, but love nonetheless.

But now they were actually divorced. And from what Mark had gathered in bits and pieces, it had something to do with Meredith and Derek at prom (sex was assumed but not yet explicitly stated) and a divorce on Addison and Derek's anniversary. Addison was the very unhappy but didn't want anyone flying out, and Derek was being an ass.

Addison didn't deserve this. She deserved someone who'd treat her better. Mark knew he was thinking of himself. He could. He would. He had picked up the pieces after Derek had left, he could do it again. He could be there. He had screwed up, sleeping with Mary while still 'with' Addison, but that wouldn't happen again. He could be the one for Addison.

He could also kill Derek. Sleeping with an intern. It didn't matter that she was pretty. Addison was beautiful. Mark Sloan would settle down with Addison, that was saying a million things. Why wouldn't Derek? Meredith was young and immature and she was still so naïve, no matter how many men she had slept with. Sex didn't make you lose your immaturity or naivety. What the hell did Derek see in her? Ease, and no commitment necessary? He could've found that in a hooker.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Requesting to speak to Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, please." The voice on the phone was small and feminine, the perfect secretarial voice.

Addison sighed. "This is she." It was her father. This was the customary greeting she got. The divorce must not have reached their offices yet. She wasn't Shepherd anymore.

"We're putting you through to Mr. William Montgomery. Please hold."

"Okay."

In a few moments, Addison's father's voice came over the line. "Addison."

"Dad."

"How are you?"

"Fine. And yourself?"

"Just perfect. Can we cut to the chase?"

"Fine."

"Why did you and Derek get divorced after moving to Seattle?"

"How do you know about this?"

"Addison, I'm a lawyer. A very prominent lawyer. They saw Addison Montgomery, even way out in a small firm in Seattle, and called me. You're quite well-known yourself, Addison. You can't exactly just disappear."

"Oh. Well. We got divorced for many reasons."

"Could you be any vaguer?"

"Lots of things."

"Fine, we'll start with a simpler question. Why'd you move to Seattle?"

God, like this was any easier. "Derek got a job offer he couldn't refuse."

"And you followed him out there, the submissive wife?"

"Yes. But there was a prominent position for me as well. I'm head of neo-natal and the OB/GYN department at one of the top hospitals on the west coast."

"I'm sure. This doesn't explain your divorce."

"There were things…that got in the way. We just fell apart."

"Really? So you whole-heartedly agreed with this divorce?"

"No, but is there ever whole-hearted agreement?"

"Addie." Her father rarely called her that anymore. It made Addison unbelievably sad and inexplicably happy at the same time. "Addie, what happened?"

"That's…that's the story."

"Addie."

"In New York…he hadn't been there for years. Absent. I slept with Mark." Addison's father said nothing. She knew he was probably up and pacing now, though. "And then Derek found out and ran to Seattle and started dating an intern and I came back out and he said we'd try to work things out but he wasn't trying that hard, always wanting the intern, and finally last week he caved and slept with her and I knew and we divorced. It's my fault, really."

"No. Addison. It's not all your fault. Please don't say it is. It's not. A marriage is two people. Two people have to break it."

"But I slept with Mark."

"Was that right? No. But his actions have not been right either, Addison. I know Derek hadn't exactly been there."

"God, why does everyone keep saying that? Like that's an excuse. Like that makes everything better."

"Addison, it changes things."

"So does my affair."

Mr. Montgomery sighed. He didn't really want to delve into his daughter's sex life. Her marriage, any of it. "Addison, it does. Don't you dare take all of the blame for your divorce. And that's all I'm going to say on it."

"You'll tell Mom?"

"Yeah."

"Please don't let her call me. I don't want to hear the list of suitors just lining up to come marry me. Or how right the affair was, how Derek was just a low-life. Or anything really."

"Addison, she just tries her hardest."

"Sometimes her hardest is too much."

Mr. Montgomery cleared his throat. "She won't call you."

"Good."

"Then, Addison, I give my sincerest apologies and I have to go."

"Wait. I have a question for you."

"Okay."

"Can I…I mean, would I be able to…" Addison paused. This was big, a lot to ask, and terrifying for her at the same time. "Dad, could I send you my wedding and engagement rings? I just don't…can't…have them anymore."

He felt his heart sink and tiny tears fell out of his eyes. He didn't want to say yes but he knew he had to. "Yes. Just send them to my office. I'll put them away as long as necessary."

Addison paused and caught her breath. She was crying too. "Thanks."

"I love you. Don't forget that I'm always in your life."

"I won't. I love you too."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison opened the padded box and looked at her hand. She had given a lot of thought as to what she would do with her wedding rings. She knew she couldn't keep them, that was for sure. She had debated throwing them away, out into the depths of the water, but that had seemed too harsh. One day she might want to look at them again.

She had thought about sending them to Savvy, but they wouldn't mean as much to Savvy as Addison wanted them to. It wasn't Savvy's fault, they weren't her wedding rings. She had even briefly pondered sending them to a random address somewhere in the world, but she didn't want them to that much up to chance, fate, whatever.

And then her father had called, and it seemed to click. Addison got along well with her father; he had just never been there when she was younger. They were on much better terms than Addison was with her mother. He had called and been so sympathetic and forgiving that Addison knew it was…the right choice. That he would keep them for as long as necessary, for forever. He was her father, after all.

She slid the engagement ring off first; trying hard not to remember the night Derek had proposed and forgotten the ring and they had made love that night knowing it was perfect. They would be married. Together for the naïve idea of forever.

Then came her wedding ring. She got it off quickly and snapped the box shut, trying not to cry. Her fingers felt so bare. It didn't feel right but she sealed the envelope up quickly and dumped it in her purse before she could change her mind.

To the post office, scribbling out an address she knew mostly by heart. To the mailbox, where she should just let it drop. She looked at it before she was nudged in the back and it dropped, where it fell.

Letting go in small bits and pieces. Letting go in small doses. Maybe that's what it would take.

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**A/N: I always pictured Addison's mother being quite impossible but Addison getting along with her father. Love me or hate me for it. **


	4. Nothing's Gonna Change My World

**A/N: Grey's Anatomy makes me angry. Sorry about the wait, I had a lot to do but now it's almost summer, so I'll have more time. Maybe. **

**Also, I LOVED the critical feedback I got about Addison's mother. I love when people don't agree with my writing, because…I don't know, it leaves room for improvement? But you might like her later in this story, we'll see. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The chapter title is from the song **_**Across the Universe **_**by Fiona Apple. (Which is originally by The Beatles. But I listened to the version by her.)  
**

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Leslie Montgomery paced around the living room. "She had an affair?"

Her husband nodded. "She said she had an affair with Mark."

"My God, what an idiot. Just when Derek finally starts becoming well-off and well-known, she decides to sleep with another man. And then he, the even worse idiot, lets my daughter go. He just let her slip through her fingers. She's the damn best thing he'll ever have."

"Leslie..."

"It's true. She is. She's gorgeous and smart. Derek was finally starting to appear a good enough man for Addison: talented, rich, and good-looking. And now, what do we get? An affair. On two ends."

"She was having a rough time. She still is."

"God, I just can't believe this. After 12 years, she just gets divorced? Ridiculous."

"Leslie."

"I mean, why?"

"He cheated on her."

"So?"

"Some people value fidelity in marriages."

Leslie turned to stare at her husband. "And I don't?"

"I never said that."

"You implied it."

"I didn't mean anything by it. I'm just saying, Derek meant a lot to her."

"But you can work through affairs. Look at my parents. My mother had another man's child, my little sister, and somehow my mother and father stayed married until death. My dad worked through it."

"You think Addison and Derek should've worked through the affair? Leslie, they tried. She moved from New York City to Seattle. She tried. He didn't."

"He should've. She should've tried harder."

"He didn't."

Leslie walked around for five more minutes before sinking onto the couch next to William.

"I have to go talk to her. This isn't right. They were so…so good. They worked."

William was surprised.

"I mean, I know I never said it and made them think otherwise, but they really did work together. He didn't try and make her conform; he let her be what she wanted to be. Just like you. He let her be her own person; he was a partner, not a ruler."

William peered down into his wife's face and saw her red eyes. "Leslie, you're not crying, are you?"

She wiped her eyes. "Of course I'm crying. My daughter, my only daughter, just got divorced."

He wasn't quite sure what to do. His wife, much like his daughter, rarely showed emotion. When she did, it only became a mess. And she had never seemed pleased about Addison's marriage. Satisfied, but not pleased. "Leslie, it's okay."  
She shook her head. "It's not. I have to talk to her."

"She asked me to not let you call her."

"I'm not going to call her. I'm going to visit her. Next week."

xxxxxxxxxxx

George looked over the charts of the newly admitted patient. He had inhaled a bit too much of the fumes from his lab and had briefly passed out, however he was now awake and seemingly okay.

"Dr. O'Malley."

"Yes, is something wrong?"

The man shook his head. "I was just wondering…do you know if a Dr. Montgomery works here?"

George looked puzzled at the man. "Well, yes. Dr. Addison Montgomery, she's head of neonatal and the OB/GYN."

The man nodded. "I was just wondering."

"Any reason?"

"We just met a couple weeks ago, and she said she was a doctor."

"Oh, okay." George looked over the man once more. He looked nice enough and seemed smart. George wondered how exactly he had met Addison, but that wasn't his business. "Mr. Dawson, we're just going to keep you here for a few more hours to make sure there are no long-term effects."

"Okay."

George didn't know quite how to handle this situation. On one hand, he could tell Addison straight out that someone knew her, but George had no concept of the story behind this situation. It might not help anything. He could leave it alone, but that didn't seem to work either. Because what if Addison would be happy to see him? What if he was a friend or something?

He had Mr. Dawson wheeled into a room and then George turned down to the vending machines to find something to eat quickly.

"George." Callie was at the end of the hallway, pushing coins into the coffee machine. "How are you doing?"

"Well, I have a patient who knows Dr. Montgomery."

"Addison? How?"

"He didn't say. He just said he knew her. That they met a few weeks ago."

"What's his name?"

"Parker Dawson."

Callie shrugged. "Well, she's never mentioned him to me."

"Should I tell her?"

"Did he say he wanted to see her?"

"No, he just asked if she worked here, said he was just wondering."

"I'll handle it."

George nodded. "That'll be good. Better than me."

"Parker Dawson, you say?"

"Yeah. He's in room 3375."

"Thanks." Callie kissed George lightly and took off in the other direction, towards the infant ward. She found Addison peering at a baby in an incubator, and tapped Addison lightly on the shoulder.

"Callie. What brings you over here?"

"A man."

Addison laughed and peered at Callie. "What?"

"Does the name Parker Dawson mean anything to you?"

Addison gasped. "How did you hear about that?"

"Hear about what?"

"That I know him."

"He's here."

Addison looked up slowly. "Why?"

"I don't know, but he's George's patient. He asked about you."

"Oh, really?" Addison tried to keep her voice nonchalant.

"Yes. So who is he?"

"I met him at a bar." Seeing Callie's look, Addison quickly shook her head. "Nothing happened. Nothing at all. He was just…nice. And smart."

"His room is 3375."

"Okay…"

"Oh, please. You know you're going to 'just happen to walk by' and 'happen to see him'. Don't play dumb." Callie smiled and stepped out of the room. "You don't have to date him, Addison. Just say 'hi'."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Addison couldn't remember the last time she had been this nervous. It might have been her wedding day, or maybe her first major surgery. She stood around the corner and stared down the hallway. The door to his room was open. Just open. She stood up straight and took a deep breath. She could just say 'hi'. Just step in, just walk by. It wasn't that she liked him, because that was way too much to think about. It was just…another man. Another man who had asked about her.

Addison thought she played the entire thing off perfectly. The looking up from her charts right as she passed by. The glance to her left and seeing Parker. The 'Oh my God, what are you doing here?' and double-take. She stepped into his room. He was laughing, the corners of his eyes crinkling ever so slightly.

"You knew I was here."

Addison stopped. "I didn't."

Parker smiled. "I'm happy you came to see me, really. But you knew I was here. You faked it so well. But you knew."

Addison realized it was futile to pretend she hadn't known. "And you knew I knew you were here."

"Well, I just have an uncanny knack for discovering lies."

"So why are you here?"

"Polymer fumes. I inhaled a bit too much and passed out. It's happened before, once or twice, but I have a new assistant this week who was overly-concerned I'd die and called 911. With my last assistant, I was more concerned he'd die."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Absolutely sure."

"Good."

Neither said anything for a few moments. Parker was studying Addison. Addison was just trying to figure out a way to not let the conversation die pathetically.

"You look…better. I don't want to say great, because you're obviously not great, but you look better than that night I met you at the bar." As Parker said it, he realized how utterly stupid he sounded.

"You look good, for someone who just passed out on polymer fumes."

"Thanks."

"So how have you been?"

"Good. Like I said, I got a new assistant, right out of college, he's a nervous wreck. But he's skilled, so we'll see if the nervousness leaves. And you?"

"I'm better. Working past the divorce, slowly."

"Hey, any progress is progress."

"I guess. It's already been three weeks. I've been single for three weeks and I haven't done anything crazy."

"Like gone skydiving? Parachuting?"  
Addison laughed. "Well no, I just mean, I've been living my life the same way. Basically."

"And that doesn't comfort you?"

"A little."

"Addison, how objected would you be to going out to dinner with me?"

Addison stopped. "You mean like a date?"

Parker shook his head. "Nope. Just as friends. Or whatever you'd call us. 'People-who-met-in-a-bar?' You can even invite one of your friends."

"Friends?"

"Yeah. You know, we go out to dinner, you pay for yourself, we talk, but we're just friends. Nothing else."

"O-okay."

Parker smiled. "Bring one of your friends. How's Friday night sound?"

"Good, I suppose."

"Do you care where we go? Because I know this restaurant that's got really good food, regardless of what kind of food you like."

"No, that's good."

"Then I'll swing over here Friday night at about six. We can pick up whomever you're bringing if need be, and go. Just get you out of the dreaded hospital. You seem to live here."

"So do many doctors."

"Yeah, well, we're getting you out."

"Okay."

Parker grinned. "Can you at least look a little excited? Happy? I mean, if you don't want to go, you should've said 'no.'"

Addison smiled. "Sorry. I just…this is a lot to take in right now."

"Addison, look at me." When Addison did, he focused his eyes on hers. "This is not a date. I don't want to date you. I just want to be your friend. I promise. I will never try to date you. You're beautiful and smart and one day you will find someone to date, but it will not be me. Believe me, please."

She nodded slowly. "Okay."

"You don't believe me yet. You will."

Addison straightened up and walked out. Parker looked after her. "Six o'clock, Addison, don't forget."

Addison wouldn't.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Callie, just, he said it wasn't a date, but then why the hell am I so nervous about this?" Addison tinted her face with blush in the mirror of the residents' locker rooms.

"Because you're going out to dinner with a man. Even if he is just a friend, it's not Derek. Who was the last guy you went out to dinner with without Derek, even in a group?"

"Mark. And look how well that ended up turning out. I mean, it was the dinners I had with him instead of Derek that caused me to sleep with him that caused the demise of my marriage with Derek."

"Hey." Callie turned to face Addison. "I am sick of you blaming yourself for this. It's not all your fault, Addison. I know Derek's trying to pretend it is, but I swear to God it's not and if you take all of the blame again I'm going to have to slap you."

Addison smiled. "Okay. And thanks for coming."

"Please, like I would miss it. I need to meet him. And, it gives George a chance to feel utterly uncomfortable."

"You didn't have to bring him."

Callie raised an eyebrow. "A guy with two girls at a restaurant wouldn't have looked a little odd?"

"Fine, fine."

Callie streaked a final line of mascara on her eyelashes. "It's six-ten. We'd better go."

Addison clasped her bag shut. "Okay, let's go."

They took off down the hallway and found Parker and George sitting in a waiting area off the pediatric wing. George was keeping his face cast downward and Parker smiling to himself.

"I see you two found each other?"

Parker nodded. "George and I have been waiting for you both for a while. We don't really know what to say to each other. I'm sorry I'm not more interesting."

George looked up. "It's not your fault. I don't have anything to say either."

"True."

"Well," Addison couldn't help but notice how nice Parker looked. God, no, she had to stop. She was not dating him. He was not dating her. She had just gotten divorced. He was a friend. A nice-looking friend. "Callie, this is my friend Parker Dawson. He's a chemist." Parker stood up and shook Callie's hand. "And Parker, this is Callie Torres, an orthopedic resident here. And you've met George O'Malley, a surgical intern. George, this is Parker."

They both nodded at another and stood for a few more moments. Parker cleared his throat and Callie nudged Addison in the back more than once.

"Who the hell are you?"

Parker turned around to face the dark-haired man. "I feel like I should ask you that question."

"I'm Derek Shepherd. I'm a neurosurgeon."

"Ah." Parker smiled maliciously in Derek's direction. "I'm Parker Dawson."

"Who?"

"Parker. Dawson. Do you need me to spell it out for you?"

"What the hell are you doing with my wife?"

"Your wife? Addison? Correct me if I'm wrong, but you…cheated on her, yes? And then divorced her on her anniversary?"

"I-I."

"Exactly what I thought. What am I doing with her? We're friends. She and I are going out to dinner with Dr. Torres and Dr. O'Malley. I would invite you, but I don't like dining with people I dislike. Makes for bad conversation, you know?"  
Derek took a deep breath and faced Addison. "Is this your little one-night stand turned boyfriend? Sounds similar to me and Meredith, does it not?"

"We're not dating. We did not have a one-night stand. We're just friends."

"Just friends. Just like Meredith and me."

"Except I'm not still married to you and pretending to love you while making eyes at him and smelling his hair in god-dammed-elevators. I'm not pretending to ask you to prom and then running off to sleep with him. So it's not the same thing at all. Not at all." Addison felt tears brimming around her eyes and quickly turned away.

"Dr. Shepherd, why don't you just go? "You didn't have any business here but you made some. Just go find that girlfriend of yours."

Derek cast a final cold stare at Parker and turned off down the hallway. Addison and Callie were sitting back down, George off getting her coffee.

"Addison, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for him to attack you like that. I shouldn't have said anything."

"Parker, it's not your fault. He would've done it anyway."

"I feel horrible."

Addison put a hand on his arm. "God, please, don't. You matched him word-for-word and beyond. He was speechless."

"But I shouldn't have retaliated. I shouldn't have let him bother me…I mean, I've never even met this guy and I'm offended by him? No, that's not right."

George came with the coffee and Addison drank it quickly. She stood up, wiping her eyes carefully. "Okay, let's go."

Callie looked at Addison. "You still want to go?"

Addison nodded. "I need to get away from this hospital."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Parker walked her back up to her hotel room and Addison stood talking to him for a few moments.

"I had a lot of fun tonight, Addison, even with the whole disturbance at the beginning. Callie and George are something else."

Addison nodded. "Yeah, they're unique to each other."

"Thanks so much for agreeing to come. Are we going to be able to do this again, or will it be too weird? Was it too weird?"

"No, it wasn't weird at all. And yeah, that'd be good. It's nice to have a friend not affiliated in any way with the hospital."

"Not true, I am. They have my records."

Addison smiled. "You knew what I meant."

"Or did I?"

"I'm leaving in 2 and a half weeks, do you know that?"

Parker nodded. "It was brushed upon tonight by Callie."

"And you're still going to try and foster this friendship?"

"Addison, at this day and age I can email you from time to time, call you every once in a while to check up on you…we're not in the letter-writing days anymore."

"And you're okay with that?"

"Yeah. I mean, you still talk to your New York friends, I presume?"

"Well, yeah."

"See."

Parker leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. Addison didn't feel anything. No zing. Nothing like when Derek kissed her on the cheek. It was just a kiss on the cheek. Just a friendly kiss on the cheek. It comforted Addison more than she would've imagined.

"Goodnight, Addison."

"Goodnight, Parker. I'll talk to you later."

Parker strolled off down the hallway and stepped into the elevator. As the doors opened, Addison saw the familiar brown-grey hair inside it. The black pants and emerald green top. The face that was constantly without makeup. And the high heels. The high heels had to be genetic.

"Why, Addison. How charming to see you. Come over here and help your mother with her bags."  
Parker stood in the elevator as the doors shut, trying not to laugh at the look of pure horror on Addison's face.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: Okay, so seriously, right now? How in God's name am I going to have Derek even begin to redeem himself? How? **

**I'm sorry if this chapter is not absolutely perfect, I'm trying to get ****something**** up before exams. **


	5. Love's Lost Guarantee

**A/N: So, I write because I love it, but only three reviews (three reviews which I loved) isn't very inspiring. I mean, I know people were reading this, due to the number of hits it got, but there weren't very many reviews. So please, review. If you don't like something, tell me. If you like something, tell me too. They really do cause me to want to write more quickly.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Or the song that I used in the title of this chapter, which is 'Love's Lost Guarantee' by Rogue Wave.**

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"Addison. Stop standing there. Come get my bag. I don't have all night, unlike you."

"Mom." Addison felt her mouth dry. "What are you…why are you here?"

"To see you. Don't be stupid. It doesn't suit you." Leslie Montgomery stood up and clicked her heels that would rival Addison's on the edge of the carpet. "I am an old woman, Addison. I need you to get my bag. The bell-hops are ridiculously rude here."

Addison blindly walked over and picked up her mother's bag. She opened the door to her hotel room and set it inside. Leslie Montgomery stepped inside and sniffed the air. "What kind of perfume are you using now?"

Addison shrugged. "I bought one at a department store."

"Department store perfume? You bought department store perfume?"

"I don't have many options out here."

"Why'd you change your perfume? It was good perfume."

"It was perfume Derek gave to me six years ago that I then kept buying."

"And so just since you divorced your husband he keeps the perfume?"

"It's not a big deal. I just don't wear it anymore."

"Because you're divorced? Does he own everything you liked? Is that why you're not wearing a skirt tonight?"

"Mother. Please."

"Are you going to stop being a doctor?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, that's right, he didn't pick that. Thank God."

"Please."

"Addison, you can't change everything just because your husband was a complete idiot."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, just because he stupidly let you go, doesn't mean you have to let him have all of you."

"'He stupidly let me go?' What's that supposed to mean?"

"He left you for an intern, Addison. Tell me that's not stupid."

"He loves her."

Leslie Montgomery snorted. "Yeah, right. Fast-forward a year and see if they're still together."

"They probably will be."

"All the thrill of an affair is lost once you're allowed to sleep with them."

Addison said nothing. She didn't want to talk about Meredith and Derek.

"And then he'll realize what he gave up."

Addison thought that that might be a veiled compliment, but then realized the absurdity of that idea.

"But more importantly, who was the man?"

"What man?"

"The man who got into the elevator after me. I know he was with you."

"That was Parker."

"Parker?"

"I met him three weeks ago at a bar."

"Oh, dear God."

"I'm not dating him, mother."

"Really."

"He's just a friend. We went out to dinner with some people I work with."

"What does he do?"

"He's a polymer chemist."

"You're 'friends' with someone who's a chemist?"

"Yes," Addison replied evenly. "Is there a problem with that?"

"None at all." She paused. "He wasn't half-bad looking."

"I'm not dating him."

"Right now you're not."

"I'm moving back to New York in three weeks. Not now, not ever."

"Remind me why you're moving back again."

"I can't be here anymore."

"You're letting Derek have Seattle too?"

"I'm not 'letting him have it'. I never liked it out here. I can move back to a city I actually like."

"But if you and Derek were still married, would you still be here?"

"Of course. But I can get my job back in New York and Derek was the only reason I was here. I came out here to work this out. I tried, so don't you dare tell me I didn't. It's not my fault I'm fifteen years older than Meredith." Addison turned away, trying not to cry.

Leslie Montgomery stopped. "Addison, what do you think you're doing?"

"I'm trying not to cry."

"Why would you even think about crying?"

"Because I'm sad. An emotion you clearly never experience."

"I'm still your mother and you do not get to talk to me like that."

"Fine. I'm sorry," Addison spat back.

This wasn't going the way Leslie had planned. She was always biting and sarcastic. But maybe she had gone too far. "Addison, dear."

Dear? Dear? Addison never had heard her mother refer to her as 'dear.' Maybe when she was quite young. But not recently. Not in the past 35 years.

"I came out here to try and…help."

"What?"

"Just…I…I needed to see you, okay? I don't know why. We're not exactly close, we're merely cordial. And I know you don't agree with all I do. But I'm still your mother. I still gave birth to you. And I just…I felt like I had to come. Okay?"

Addison studied her mother. She looked the same. Her hair was greyer, yes. Her eyes were more tired, but still just as blue. Her face was pretty, even if it was starting sag in parts.

"I know, you're an adult. You can handle this. But I…I just thought you had found the person. That person who you could spend the rest of your life with."

"Well I didn't," Addison said tartly.

"I think you did."

"We're divorced."

"Addison, look at yourself. You still love him. You still love him, and that's all that matters."

"He doesn't love me. That's all that matters."

xxxxxxxxxx

George opened the door with his key and found Meredith and Derek sitting on the couch watching television. Derek glanced up at George. George turned his gaze away from Derek quickly.

"Hey, George." Meredith smiled.

"Hey."

"How was dinner with Addison and Callie and, uh-" Meredith paused, trying to remember his name. "Parker?"

George looked from Derek and back to Meredith. "Uh, good."

"Not staying with Callie tonight?"

"Uh, no. She has an early surgery."

"Oh. Are you okay? Do you need some coffee?"

"No. I'm uh-good. I have to-um-go…call my mother." George sped from the room. He ran into the kitchen where he found Izzie baking. She wasn't back at the hospital. She was just baking. All the time.

"What happened to you?" Izzie was working on an apple tart. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"No. I'm-uh-fine." George put his hand on the counter, failing to notice the pan there. He jumped back, his hand stinging.

"Oh my God. Are you okay?"

George examined his hand. "Yeah. I'm good. I just…" He stepped back and tripped over a chair, falling down into it.

Izzie put down the apples she was slicing. She went over and sat across from him. "What happened? Did you walk in on Meredith and Derek…you know?"

It dawned on George after a second. "Oh, God, no."

"So then what?"

"Derek." George mumbled.

"What?"

"Derek. He…he confronted Parker tonight."

"When?"

"Before we left for dinner. He said Parker was dating his wife, and that Addison was doing what he did with Meredith."

"He and Addison are divorced."

"I know that. You know that. She knows that. Parker knew that."

"Derek doesn't want to believe it," Izzie said softly.

"What?"

"I know he says he loves Meredith, and I know I'm supposed to be her friend. And I am. It's just…Derek misses Addison. And really…if you want my opinion…I think Derek still loves Addison."

Meredith was standing at the door, and the glass she was holding clattered to the floor and smashed into a thousand pieces. Izzie looked up. Meredith fled from the room, feeling her feet being invaded by the miniscule pieces of glass. She didn't care if she was tracking blood all over. She ran past Derek. She ran outside and gasped, heaving breaths. She placed her hands on the wall in front of the door and sank down to the ground. It was warm and misty outside. So Izzie thought Derek still loved Addison. Izzie, who wasn't at the hospital. Izzie, who didn't see the way that Derek got jealous of Addison. Izzie, who didn't see the way Derek looked at Addison. If Izzie thought that Derek still loved Addison, then everyone must.

Meredith knew she should've expected it. She had asked Derek. He had told her he didn't. But he did. It was impossible to stop loving someone that quickly. But she had trusted him. She banged her head against the stone, failing to care if it would cause damage. It was clear he loved Addison. Clear to everybody but Derek.

"Meredith…what's wrong?"

Speak of the devil.

"You still love Addison." Meredith said it as fact. She was tired of it being a question.

Derek didn't say anything, choosing to let Meredith finish before he spoke. He slumped down next to Meredith.

"I mean, I figured you still loved her, because part of you always will. But the fact is…you still miss her. You wanted me because I was the forbidden fruit. Because what we had for those two months was so different from where you were. But Addison knew you. She was comfortable. She made things right for you, instead of further complicating them. And then now the forbidden fruit is no longer forbidden and it's just…nothing. We have nothing."

"Meredith. I loved Addison, yes. But I've given myself over to you." He grabbed her hand gently.

Meredith snapped her hand out of his reach. "I have given myself over to you. But you? No. You gave yourself over to Addison and haven't taken it back. She may have cheated on you and broken your heart. But she's still there."

"Meredith, please. Please believe me. It's going to take some time. I was married for 12 years. Twelve years with one woman. Of course she's a part of me. But you need to stick with me."

"Derek. Izzie knows that you still love Addison. She's not even at the goddammed hospital. You get angry with Addison when she's doing things with another man. Saying she's spiting you. Derek, I don't think she gives a damn about spiting you. I know she still loves you. And you know what else? I think I'm sick of feeling like a whore. Like the other woman who managed to become the woman, but still feels like the other woman. I am fifteen years younger than you. When you were in med. school, I was ten. I couldn't spell half the things you were learning about. What do we have?"

"Love." Derek said it so simply. Like it was something that could be waved away in a word.

"What we have isn't love. I love you. You might like me a lot. But you don't love me. You love your wife."

"Meredith, I love you. Okay? I love you. Age doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And you were the other woman. But you're not."

"But in your mind I still am. Do you love Addison?"

"No. I don't love Addison."

Meredith stood up. She rested her arms on the side of the stone. "Derek. You won't even admit it. If you had said yes, a little…then it would've been different. But completely denying it? Derek, that's just lying."

Derek said nothing.

"And so we're done. Me, you. It was fun. But all we had was the eight weeks of bliss and avoidance almost a year ago."

Derek took Meredith by the shoulders. "No. You don't just get to do that, Meredith. You don't just get to run away. You don't get to do that."

"Finn was always the better man. Finn, who said he'd still take me back even though I cheated on him at prom. You weren't the only one to cheat at prom, Derek."

"Meredith, please. Can't we talk about this tomorrow when-"

"No. Go back to your wife."

"She's not my-"

"Get out of my house."

Derek looked at Meredith. She wasn't crying. She wasn't in tears. She was calm. She was serious. But that didn't mean this was the end. Derek had gone through too much to let her go now.

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"Meredith, please."

"I'm done, Derek."

"No. Meredith. Just…let's go talk."

Meredith pushed Derek's hand out of the way. They were in a quiet hallway on the third floor of the hospital. "No. You don't love me. You love Addison."

"I don't."

"You do. You won't admit it. Maybe you don't know it yet. You're angry with her about Mark…staying with him. But you're angry. You're angry. You're not indifferent. You're angry because someone you love hurt you."

"I loved her when I found out," Derek said exasperatedly. "But now I'm done."

"Really. So if you found Parker and Addison kissing, you'd be okay with that."

"Well, yes, I…I don't have a claim on her anymore."

"Derek, you confronted Addison and Parker last night when they were going out to dinner with Callie and George. Just dinner. A kiss would send you into a blind rage."

Derek stood there, his mouth agape.

"Please, you think people don't talk. Especially when you're yelling at some guy. Derek, you're still in love with Addison. I'm sorry I ruined your marriage."

"Meredith, it wasn't you. It was Addison and Mark."

"Stop blaming her for everything."

Meredith wasn't exactly known for defending Addison. So Derek was understandably surprised. She had probably talked horribly about Addison for the past few months. And now she was defending Addison. How things had changed.

"I mean, I don't know your marriage. The only things I saw of it were you pretending to care about Addison while sniffing my hair in elevators. But she didn't just decide to break your heart. You had to already have broken hers. She came back. She was looking for you. She loves you. And it's taken you a long time to realize it but you love her. And I refuse to stand in the way."

"Meredith…you're being rash in this decision. You love me."

"Maybe I am being rash. I do love you. And that's why this hurts. But I can't do this, Derek. Not even if it gets better. Not even after Addison goes back to New York City. If you're capable of hurting Addison like that, someone whom you love, who's to say you won't do that to me."

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"So tell me something about yourself."

Addison and Parker were sitting in a Starbucks two days after they had dinner. To an outsider, this would look like a date, but both of them knew it wasn't. Addison couldn't remember feeling comfortable like this in a long time. Admittedly, neither could Parker.

Parker laughed. "What do you want to know?"

"Do you have any siblings?"

"A younger brother and younger sister."

"Do you get along?"

"I guess. My brother lives in the same small town we grew up in, about two hours east of here. He's a police officer for the very minimal crime that occurs. He's married and has a two year-old son."

"And your sister?"

"She lives in Chicago. She's an artist finding her soul." Addison looked at Parker. He shrugged. "I'm not kidding. She graduated from Lake Forest eight years ago after studying pre-law. After, she threw that four years away and went over to Ghana with a small online company to photograph the lives of the people. She was there for five years and came back completely different. She was so uptight in high school and college, but she was changed when she came back. Now she lives in a loft and photographs daily life in Chicago."

"Wow."

"I see her once a year. We all go back to my parent's house for Hanukkah."

"You're Jewish?"

"By holiday only. Both of grandparents were strict in their Judaism, but my parents dropped the ball. And neither my siblings nor I bothered to pick it up. In fact, my brother converted to Christianity when he got married. He still celebrates Hanukkah with us though. What about you? Are you religious?"

Addison shook her head. "A few times when I was younger my family went to church for Christmas, but I'm quite sure that was only for show. And then I went with Derek's family at Christmas when we were married."

Parker nodded. "It's not something we're instructed to think about anymore by the media."

Addison was silent for a moment. "What about your parents?"

"Still happy and healthy. How was your mother, speaking of which? You looked utterly happy to see her."

"She was remarkably gentle."

"Gentle. Well, she was being maternal."

"She did manage to insult my perfume and imply that you and I were dating though."

Parker laughed. "Well, there you go."

"But she left this morning, which is a relief."

"I'm sure."

Addison hesitated, not sure if she wanted to delve into Parker's personal life. But her curiosity was too great. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure. Can I have permission to not answer it?"

"Of course. Have you ever been married?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

Parker laughed. Maybe it was just to relieve the pressure on the conversation. "I couldn't honestly tell you. I thought about getting married and having kids, but honestly, I never got around to it. I dated a girl, Julia, for four years about ten years ago. And we just…never got married. I've dated since her, Carmen and then Emma. I hate to say this, but marriage just isn't my thing."

"Why do you hate to say it?"

"Because it's the clichéd saying of a lifetime bachelor."

Addison laughed. She groaned as her purse vibrated on the table.

"Let me guess. Lives to save?"

"You caught me."

"I guess I'll see you later then?"

Addison nodded. "Yeah. Thanks for the company."

"My pleasure."

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**A/N: Was Meredith out of character? Yes. Is it a big issue to me? No. Is it one to you? Maybe. Let me know.**

**Review…I'll give you a kumquat. **


	6. Everybody's Changing

**A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews. They made me delightfully happy. Look for the crate of kumquats in your mail in 4-6 weeks. **

**The song used for the chapter title is 'Everybody's Changing' by Keane. Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda and the people at ABC.**

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"I still can't believe you broke up with McDreamy."

Meredith sighed, spreading mayonnaise on her sandwich. "It's complicated."

Cristina smirked. "So your total desperation this entire year was for something that you'd break off in three weeks."

"Yes." She broke off the tab on her soda can and played around with it. She and Cristina had been having this conversation on and off for the past two weeks. Truthfully, Meredith didn't know. She didn't know why she had broken things off with Derek. It was complicated. So complicated Meredith couldn't think about it for too long. She knew that somewhere, it was the right thing to do. Derek did still love Addison. That was obvious. Maybe not the kind of love necessary for a relationship, but that would come soon enough.

"Please tell me you're not going to be tequila girl again. I'm not one to turn down some drinking, but you go way over. And I can't do that. Not this year. We have to work hard. I have to get into every surgery I can. Especially all the cardio ones. And if you're drinking and sleeping with guys you meet in bars, I have to take care of you too. I know, I'm supposed to be all sympathetic but I'm just laying down the law."

Meredith sighed. "I broke it off. I won't be 'tequila girl.'"

"Good." She took a bite of her salad in silence for a moment before speaking again. "You know, I never wanted to tell you, but McDreamy is almost…too perfect. Everything about him is so perfectly aligned that he was imperfect."

Meredith appreciated Cristina's efforts at cheering her up, even if they were lies.

"And he has the worst-smelling feet too, according to George."

Another lie. But it was these lies that were holding Meredith together. Imagining Derek in a light that wasn't perfect was making it easier to forget him.

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Richard had pulled Derek into his office. Derek didn't relish visits with Richard anymore. Richard always gave him stern glances when he was still married, but now Richard could barely keep the look of disgust off his face whenever he saw Derek.

"I hope you know I called you in here for something that isn't business."

Derek nodded. He had a direct idea of where this conversation was headed.

"You and Meredith Grey broke up."

Derek realized Richard was waiting confirmation and so he nodded.

"I've heard it was because Meredith said you still loved Addison."

Again, Derek nodded.

"I have one thing to say. If you hurt Addison again like you did before, you're going to hate working here."

"She cheated on me. She hurt me."

"I cheated on Adele. I hope…she still loves me." Richard said it wistfully, and stared out the window as if on cue by a movie director.

"And are you and Adele perfectly in love?"

"Derek, it's not about being perfectly in love. It's not about being effortless."

"She cheated on me with my best friend. She stayed with him after I left."

Richard wasn't eager to debate this. "Derek, I'm just saying. If you hurt her, I'm going to make your life a living hell. Meredith broke up with you, so my sympathies are with her but she threw in the towel. But you destroyed Addison. She's not the same."

"She's getting over it. She'll be fine once she goes back to New York." _And finds Mark._ But Derek kept that comment to himself.

"I hope you're right."

Derek quickly exited Richard's office and turned the corner, only to run smack into Addison.

"Oh, my God. I'm so sorry." She had slipped and was clutching onto the wall, her papers falling to the floor. "I should've been watching more carefully." She straightened up and bent down to retrieve her papers.

Derek knew it was only polite to help, regardless of who she was. He stooped down and picked up a few. He stared at them. They were apartment listings. For New York City. "So you're really going back."

"Well, yes, I said I was."

"I just didn't know if you really were."

"I really am."

"Well…good luck then. With being back and all."

Addison was surprised. Derek hadn't been cordial to her. "Thanks." She wasn't sure if the next thing to come out of her mouth was right or wrong. "Do you want…anything…from…"

Derek knew what she was talking about. He couldn't believe this scene was really happening. Not two minutes ago he was talking to Richard about how much he hated Addison. And here he was. "No. I'm…I'm fine. I mean, I have a lot of things that I needed. And everything I don't need you can dispose of otherwise."

"Okay. Well, if you think of something in the next week…just let me know."

Derek watched her continue past him. He watched her walk away. She was…not the menace Derek had made her out to be in his mind. She was perfectly friendly. She wasn't the same, but he had divorced her five weeks ago. She didn't have to be the same yet.

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"Seriously?" Callie was just as shocked as Addison had been. "He didn't throw you dirty looks? Treat you like you don't exist. This is a change."

Addison and Callie were sitting in the cafeteria, eating a late dinner. "I know. It scares me a little."

"I wouldn't worry about it too much. I mean, you leave in a week."

Addison nodded. "And I have no idea where I'm living. I mean, I can stay in a hotel or with Savvy for a few days, but I have to find my own apartment. For the first time in a long time."

"You'll figure it out."

"I hope I do."

"You will. It won't be easy, but you will."

"Are you and George still coming to dinner with Parker and me on Sunday?"

"Like I'd miss your last night in town."

Addison smiled. "And George isn't terrified of Parker?"

"No. He just asked me if he'd have to sit alone with Parker again. I told him it was a definite possibility."

"Poor George."

"Please. It will do him some good. He's socially awkward."

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Derek was sitting at Joe's after his seventh, no, maybe his eighth, beer. He was alone, and watching Meredith with George and Alex out of the corner of his eye. And he was getting drunk. He was conscious he was and he didn't care. Addison was leaving tomorrow…or was it the day after. He looked at the clock in the corner, hoping it would magically tell him the date. He thought it was the day after tomorrow. It had been Saturday today, right? Addison was leaving Monday afternoon. To New York.

His mind was either so fogged or so clear his thoughts were firing at him rapidly. Short, little shots. Addison's face flushed the first time he talked to her. Addison accepting his proposal. Addison in her wedding dress. Addison in that one skirt for their fifth anniversary. Addison kissing him. Addison throwing the brass bookend at his head and just barely missing. Addison curled up in a ball on the couch waiting for him to get home. Addison with Mark. Addison pleading, begging him to stay. Addison in all black on that rainy night, back again. Addison sitting on the porch at Thanksgiving. Addison at the prom. Addison lying in bed next to him on their twelfth anniversary, tears streaming down her face as they knew they were over.

Derek slammed down the bottle. He asked Joe for another beer. Joe refused. He had called a cab for Derek instead. Derek stumbled into it a few minutes later and spent nearly seventy-five dollars on a cab taking the long way out to his trailer. The ferries didn't run this late. He fell into the bed without changing.

He dreamed of Addison. And Mark. He dreamed of the past few years as a third-party watching. He watched Addison fall into a kind of love with Mark. He watched her sleep with him. He watched Mark come back and pick her up from the bottom of the steps. He watched Mark tend to her and take care of her and make her go back to work and move on. Meanwhile, he saw himself sleeping with Meredith. Falling for Meredith. Omitting a great part of his life from Meredith. He watched himself smell her hair in elevators long after he had 'chosen' Addison. He hadn't ever picked Addison over Meredith. And for the first time, he felt like the ass he had been.

He woke up, his head pounding. It took a lot of will and thought to start the coffee. It steamed and sputtered and it was sometime in there that Derek realized he had no car. He called a cab, regretting living so far out. It arrived an hour later. Derek was in much better shape. The driver grumbled the entire way to the ferry about the distance. Derek wasn't listening. His dream was too prevalent on his mind. Addison was invading his thoughts.

She had slept with his best friend, for God's sakes. He was allowed to be angry. He was allowed to slam the door and leave. She had stayed with his best friend. She had slept with him for two months. But she felt horrible. If Derek had come back…or stayed that night…would they still be married in New York? Would that have just been a severe wake-up call? Would they be happy?

And finally, the real question: Did he love her? Was Meredith right? Addison had slept with his best friend. But he tried to take that factor out. If he ignored that, did he still love her?

Derek nearly stopped breathing when he realized the answer was yes.

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"Everyone, this is my sister, Jane." Parker motioned for Jane to sit down. "She missed her flight in Boulder and took the next flight to Seattle to visit. Jane, this is Addison, George, and Callie."

They all nodded in turn. Jane was a contrast from what Addison had expected. She wore a simple black dress with pearls in her ears.

"So you're the Addison Parker told me about. You're just as beautiful as he described you."

Addison blushed. "Thank you."

Jane nodded and turned on to Callie. "I adore your earrings. Wherever did you get them?"

Callie absent-mindedly reached up to touch her ears. "Oh, my father gave them to me."

"He has excellent taste."

"And George, your hair. It's exquisite."

Jane sat back, satisfied.

"Jane starts out meeting people by complimenting them," Parker supplied.

"It's all honest compliments."

"It is. But it's just the first thing she does."

"So Parker says you're a photographer?"

"That I am. Daily Chicagoan life. It sounds mundane, but it's really not. I just wander around, taking the El and busses and walking. Just photographing. It all goes on this website and people will buy prints they like and I get paid. But I also do weddings, just so that I have a steadier flow. I hate that I have to, but I need money sometimes. And there will be months when people don't buy any of my daily life things so the weddings are what keeps the water running."

"Wow. You sound like you lead the most interesting life."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. I'm sure you as doctors have pretty interesting lives."

Callie spoke up. "But nothing like what you're describing."

"It's not amazing everyday. Most days I get no good shots and just a lot of mediocre ones. Especially in the polished areas. Right downtown, and in the suburbs, I usually only get good scenery shots. But anyway, enough about me."

The rest of the night passed in a blur. Addison was aware of the flash of Jane's camera every so often. Addison was laughing a little too heartily and talking a little too loud. It was her last night. And truthfully, it might be the last time she saw some of these people. Or the last time she was in the room with all of them.

And finally, Parker was dropping her off at her hotel room.

"Thank you for getting to know me," he said sadly. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too. You've proved to me that there is life after divorce. And we'll keep in touch, right?"

"Of course."

"Thank you for keeping your promise."

"Which promise?"

"The promise that you won't try to date me."

Parker smiled. "Always."

Addison was going to cry. She couldn't cry. She couldn't. She swallowed deeply. She was going to miss Parker.

"Addison, please don't be sad. I'll be in New York next March for a conference. That's only nine months away. And New York is good for you. You'll be back by all the great shopping and your friends and the city you love. You'll be happy. You're not sad you're leaving. You've got great friends here, Callie and Miranda and if I don't sound vain, myself. But you'll be better off there. Remember why you're leaving."

Derek. Her former husband. A man she didn't know if she would ever get over. Meredith had broken up with him because he still 'loved' Addison and Addison had once again turned into the evil witch. That was a good enough reason to leave.

Parker gave her a hug, holding her tightly. "Good luck, Addison."

"Goodbye, Parker." Addison said and watched as he gave her a quick wave and walked down the hallway.

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Addison was cleaning off her desk. All her papers. She found pictures of her and Derek that she had brought and wanted to break them, but she couldn't bring herself to. She wrapped them in bubble wrap and put them neatly in a box that she was giving to Richard to send along later. Her flight left in six hours. She was almost gone.

"Addison."

Addison dropped the pen she was holding and watched as it rolled on the floor. "Derek. Did you think of something I could send you?"

"No."

"Then why are you here?"

Derek almost chickened out right then. He almost mumbled that it was nothing and left. But he knew that if he didn't say it he'd wonder what could've happened for the rest of his life. "I'm here because I needed to tell you that...that I love you."

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**A/N: I know I flew past the last three weeks Addison was in Seattle. Honestly, nothing would've happened that was overly important. **


	7. All We Are

**A/N: Still living in complete denial about what actually happened to Addison and Derek.**

**Disclaimer: The song used for the title, which reminds me heavily of Addek, is 'All We Are' by OneRepublic. And if I owned Grey's Anatomy, so many things would be different.**

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"You're not serious. This has to be some kind of joke."

"Addie…"

"No. No. Stop. You don't get to do this. You don't love me. You don't know what love is. You can't just come here and tell me you love me and expect me to fall down into your arms and forget what you've put me through." Addison moved towards the door to leave, but Derek grabbed her wrists and held on.

"And you don't get to just run away. You don't get to just leave."

"And why not? You did."

"Because I'm telling the truth."

"So all it took was a divorce and Meredith to dump you before you decide you love me."

"All it took was for me to let go of the past."

"Stop trying to be philosophical."

"I mean, let go of Mark. Of you and Mark."

"Really? You let go of Mark? Of the fact that I had an affair with your best friend, and then proceeded to stay with him until he dumped me and it was only then I bothered to look for my husband?"

"I let go of the fact that that had to be the determining point in our relationship."

"We have no relationship. None. All we have are things of the past. I signed those divorce papers, twelve years exactly after I said "I do" and whatever we had was then in the past. There is no future for us. No future relationship, no future anything."

"But I know you love me."

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Really?"

"It means that I'm not over you. That maybe I'll always love you…love the person you were. That I loved what we had and loved my hopes for our shared future. But there is no shared future and I don't trust you. I don't trust you, and I don't want you."

"You don't want me," Derek said incredulously.

"I thought maybe if this moment came up, only in my wildest dreams, I would take advantage of it for just…one more time. But now, that it's here? I want nothing to do with you. I am trying to move on. I made friends with Parker, who you completely ambushed. I've stopped crying every night. I am moving back to my favorite city in the entire world. I am moving on."

"But Add-"

Addison raised her arms up and slipped out of Derek's grasp. "Moving on."

Derek watched her stalk down the hallway. "I'm not letting her get away that easily," he murmured to himself.

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She was seated next to a sixteen year-old reading. Reading quietly. Addison happened to catch the book title; it was a mystery by Elizabeth George. The girl wasn't listening to loud music; make that any music at all. She was just reading. It was maddening. Addison had never seen a girl so focused on her book.

Addison didn't have anything. Sure, she had a newspaper in her carry-on, and her still unfinished copy of _Pride and Prejudice_, but she didn't want to read about Mr. Darcy. She was too preoccupied. Derek had told her he loved her. The nerve. The complete nerve. Six weeks after he had divorced her, he told her he loved her. Addison hadn't told anyone. She could've mentioned something to Callie or Miranda, but she didn't. She didn't believe it. Maybe she was dreaming. Maybe it was some kind of sick joke. Derek's idea of humor. Maybe it was a mistake.

Addison decided that it wasn't important. She didn't have to worry about. So maybe it was real and he meant all of it. It still didn't matter. She was leaving. He was staying. She was done with him.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

The girl reading looked at Addison. "Are you talking to me?"

"Yes."

"Yeah, I do."

"Has he told you he loves you?"

"We've only been dating for a month."

"But he didn't tell you he loved you before you started dating?"

The girl, clearly wanting nothing more than to get back to her book, shook her head. "We were friends. He asked me out to dinner."

"And it took off from there?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Sorry to bother you."

The girl shrugged and turned back to her book.

"It's just that, he's Derek. I mean, he tells me he loves me and it's after everything and can it still work?"

The girl looked up again. "I don't really know what you're talking about."

"Right, of course not." Addison was talking too much. "See, I was married for 12 years to Derek. And then I cheated on him with his best friend and Derek found…us…and he ran away to Seattle. So I went out to Seattle after a little while and found out he had a girlfriend. And so he didn't sign the divorce papers and we 'tried' fixing our marriage. It wasn't successful. He slept with his girlfriend at the hospital prom and I knew and we got divorced. And for the past six weeks I've been avoiding him and then today, the day I'm moving back to New York, he comes in and tells me he loves me."

The girl sighed and put down her book. "Look, I'd love to help you. It's just…I'm sixteen. I just finished my sophomore year of high school. I haven't ever been married. I can't really…relate this at all. I mean, my parents are divorced, but they got divorced right after I turned two. Divorce is all I've known. And I really don't think my father has claimed to love my mother since their divorce."

"Well, do you watch television?"

"Sure."

"So just pretend my situation is like a television show. What do you think I should do then?"

"See if he does anything else. I mean, if he really loves you, then won't he do something more than just coming to you once when you when you were easily reached?"

"But how long do I wait?"

"I couldn't tell you that. Just don't wait for forever."

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Addison met Savvy at the airport at two-thirty in the morning. Addison was so happy to see her friend and so confused and disoriented that she broke into tears as Savvy hugged her.

"Oh, Addison. I've missed you so much."

Addison shook her head. "I've missed you more. I've needed you more."

"I can't argue with that. Come on. Welcome home." Savvy spread her arms out, as Addison looked out the window. The buildings. The hubbub. New York City. "Weiss is making dinner."

"Dinner?"

"A really early breakfast? We figured you'd be hungry and I wanted to come see you. So he offered to stay back and cook something."

"Are you guys…okay?"

Savvy nodded. "Yeah, we're good. It was…really…it was you and...well, we wouldn't be where we are if we hadn't gone to Seattle to get the operation done. If you hadn't done it" Savvy gestured to her chest and Addison smiled. "Are _you _okay?"

"I have a lot to tell you."

"I talked to you this morning. At…nine, Seattle time. What could've possibly happened?"

"You have no idea."

"I take it you're not telling me now?"

"I can't talk about it right now. I'm not ready to think about it anymore."

"Well, don't keep me in anticipation too long."

Evasive techniques allowed Addison and Savvy to get back to Weiss and Savvy's apartment without a single mention of Derek. Addison was greeted warmly by Weiss, who was working on grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup.

"Oh, God, you're such a man. Do you have beers chilling in the fridge?" Savvy teased gently.

"I was thinking more of a 'Mr. Mom' type. You know all the commercials with tomato soup and goldfish crackers and whatnot? And all the smiling children and soccer games?"

Weiss laughed. "You both tease. Fine. But this is not canned tomato soup. I bought the tomatoes and made it. Right after growing the wheat to make the bread." He pushed the two cans off the counter into the trash. "And there are beers in the fridge. But they're not for tonight. Addison has a meeting tomorrow."

"With a man who's known me for eight years. Yeah, I'm pretty nervous." Addison laughed.

"Still. We're not getting drunk at three-thirty in the morning. I put the line down there. It's not like the four of us are-"

"The three of us," Savvy threw in quietly. The room had changed.

"I can handle it," Addison said. "Derek was my husband for a long time. He's been your friend for a long time too. You can talk about him. Talk to him."

Nothing was said as Savvy slowly got out yellow plates. Addison sat in a chair, exhausted. Today had been too long of a day. Too much. But Addison was happy to be back in New York. In a city where time was merely a number, not a factor in sleeping and waking. Where there was no Meredith. Where there was no Derek.

"So, Weiss, how's work?" They were eating, Addison starving.

"Fine. I mean…people hire me to plan elaborate buildings. I plan them. You should see the one I'm working on right now…it's almost as big as the hospital I did five years ago."

"But a lot more details," Savvy contributed. "I wake up to an 'Oh my God, the closet' or something of the sort."

Addison laughed. "And you how's the office life?"

"I prefer my official title, financial advisor," Savvy replied with a grin, "and it's great. I tell the office how to spend their money. And I get paid for it."

"It's a win-win."

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Weiss went back to sleep after their meal and Savvy made hot chocolate. She poured a mug for Addison and sat down at the table.

"What happened today?"

Addison blew on the cocoa while Savvy tapped her foot impatiently. "You have to promise me you won't do anything rash."

"Like what?"

"Just promise me."

"Fine. I promise."

"Derek told me today he loved me."

"What?!" Savvy was on her feet in seconds. "He didn't. He was serious?"

"Sit down. He said he was serious. I can't decide if I believe him or not."

"Why? Why would he do that?"

"I don't know!"

"Addison. I'm trying to take this information in too."

"But he didn't tell you that."

"I know. But it's still…it's still there. I've known you guys for fifteen years. So your lives have become second to my own. And so…this is still something for me to take in."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just can't do this right now."

"I know that. But maybe…maybe he really loves you."

"Yeah, okay."

"I'm being serious. What if he really did realize how much he loved you?"

"Then it's too late."

"Addison, don't say that."

"Savvy, he ruined me. I hate admitting that fact, because it means admitting a man ruined me. Which completely takes away from everything I'm trying to be. And I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Which means it might be too late. Besides, what does he expect me to do? Realize I love him just as much again and run back out to Seattle?"

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That was exactly what Derek had expected. He had waited all afternoon, all night. He had thought that maybe she'd get all the way to New York and realize it, and that consoled him until the next morning. But when she didn't show up, he realized that she wasn't coming back. She was gone. She was doing what she said she was. But Derek had really expected her to come back. He had figured that she'd realize he was telling the truth, and that she loved him so much still it wouldn't matter. But it was going to be much harder than he anticipated.

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Kirsten Farleigh was firm and strict. Addison knew and appreciated it. Sometimes, nothing more needed to happen than work. She was a wonderful chief of surgery, regardless of what others opinions were. She had Addison in her office and was laying down the rules, yet again.

"Dr. Montgomery, I can't have you taking off again. I need you on my staff. I'm giving this job to you because you're the best, but I'll take second-best if you're not reliable. I know you had personal issues. But I don't excuse personal issues."

"Understood."

"You will retake the hours you had last time. Surgeries, as you know, can be planned at any hour. Your salary will remain the same as it was." She scanned the sheet, and finding nothing else, looked up. "I'm pleased to have you back. And I am sorry about you and Derek. He was a wonderful asset to this hospital."

Addison couldn't help but smile. Of course she thought first of her hospital.

"You'll start again tomorrow. Eight o'clock, sharp. Don't be late."

"Thank you."

Addison picked up her purse and left the room. She stood outside the door, looking at all the hubbub below her. She knew this hospital. Every closet, every secret room. The quietest corners. Even the doctors she knew all by name. She had worked with each of them at least once in her career. So much of her life was here.

"Addison."

"Mark." There he was. It's like he knew. He always could find her.

"You're coming back here?"

"Yes. I'm sure you knew that."

"I did. I just didn't know if you'd want to work…here. At this hospital. There's a lot of memories, here, you know."

"There are memories all over this city. I'm going to have to face them."

"Well, you're standing in front of great memory that could become reality."

"Not again, Mark."

"I could be what you need."

"I'm starting over."

"So start over with me."

"Mark, no."

"Please, Addie."

"Mark, no. I can't. I won't."

"Can we at least try friendship?"

"I honestly don't know."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know if I can."

"And why not?"

"Because we'd never be the same friends. There'd always be the hint of something more. I don't want anything more."

"We could be the same. You don't know that."

"I don't. But you do."

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His mother. His mother would know what to do. It might be horrible to call her now. But she'd know what to do. She'd know. She always knew. She had this uncanny knack of knowing.

It was already ten in New Jersey, but she would be up. His hands shook as he dialed the number that had once been second-nature to him. Back when he had called his mother weekly. Back when Addison had teased him for calling his mother so much, but when he knew she was merely longing for the same familial relationship. Back when he and Addison had been happily married. When work balanced out play.

"Emily Shepherd."

"Mom."

"Oh, Derek. It's been so long."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Emily Shepherd wanted nothing more than to hug her son right now. Of course, the entire country between them made it difficult. "Don't be. Please."

"I have a lot more to be sorry for. My marriage…"

"That's in the past. You both seem to be better."

Derek shamefully realized how little he had actually told his mother. "We're…divorced."

Silence. Derek vaguely remembered his Catholic lessons as a child. Divorce was unacceptable. His mother was still quite strict in her Catholicism. Enough that divorce shook her.

"But, Mom, I love her. I'm still…I still love her. I need you to…I need you help me. Please. Don't judge me, because if I could take back the divorce right now, I would."

"But you can't."

"I need you to help me. She's moved back to New York. She's not who she once was. And yesterday, before she left, I told her I loved her."

"What about Meredith?"

"She broke up with me three weeks after the divorce. She said she knew I still loved Addison."

"Three weeks? You've been divorced for three weeks and you didn't tell me?"

"Six," Derek said quietly.

"Six weeks! When did you get divorced?"

"June fourth."

"Oh, Derek. Your anniversary? You divorced your wife on your anniversary? I have nothing I can say to you right now. I'll...we'll talk later."

The dial tone rang in Derek's ear. His mother had just hung up on him. His own mother.

He was truly on the bottom of the heap.

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**A/N: Eh, it ends and I'm not completely pleased. Alas, c'est la vie! Updates will be way more sporadic over the rest of the summer, but they will come, believe me.**


	8. Come Back Home

**A/N: I promise, we're almost there. I've had a plan for this story from the start and well, we're almost to the parts I'm really excited about.**

**Disclaimer: The title of this chapter is from the song 'Bright Lights' by Matchbox Twenty. I don't own Grey's Anatomy either.**

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"Are you sure you don't want anyone to come inside with you," Savvy asked one more time as Addison stepped into the taxi.

"I'm sure. I need to do this alone."

The taxi left and Addison gave the driver her address. Her old address. She had put off going to the brownstone for a week. She had seen Nancy, talked to Savvy a lot, avoided Mark, and tried to stop thinking about Derek. But now she had to clear out the brownstone. It was the third week in July, and one more week would mean they'd have to pay a few hundred dollars more for another month of rent. Not they, anymore. She would. And while Addison wasn't short on money, she didn't need to waste it. That and the fact that tomorrow was Sunday and she moved into her apartment tomorrow. Having two houses was foolish.

There it was. The same as it always looked. It felt so foreign, though, as if it was old and abandoned hundreds of years beforehand. In actuality, she had been living there with Derek just a year ago. September is when everything had come crashing down and Derek had left. She had to remind herself that she hadn't been happy the last few years she had lived here. She had been miserable. She had wanted to leave so many times but couldn't. And then, in a twist of fate, Derek had. Not she, but Derek.

She walked to the front door, polished and clean. She sighed and opened it. The hard part wasn't now. She didn't need to get worked up about entering a house she had successfully entered for two months after Derek had left.

She hadn't been a smasher. Nothing was smashed. Pictures were intact. Turned down, facing the tabletops instead of the world, but there was still a clean sheet of glass in front of all of them. She set up a box and took out bubble wrap and picked up the first picture. She hadn't actually seen them in a while. It was her and Derek when they were dating, at a Christmas party with Derek's family. She was wearing a green dress and black heels, and Derek was in a red sweater. It was so tacky and wonderful at the same time. She had looked at this picture in the same place for six years. But it was like looking at it for the first time.

Lingering for a moment, she set to work. She wasn't afraid about being in her house at night, not at all. She had locked the door behind her and knew she was safe. She just didn't have all the time in the world, and she had a lot ahead of her. Nothing much had been done with the house. She and Derek hadn't given it up even as she had given up everything else when she moved to Seattle. He had told her to keep paying it. She had been silently elated and fostered a hope that maybe, just maybe, they could move back one day. Savvy had come over one day, soon after she left for Seattle, to take care of the food in the kitchen, but that was all.

She quickly placed all the pictures away, only stopping at the final one. It was the largest, a framed photo of her wedding day. So clichéd, the picture was, but Addison loved it. She had spent so much time looking at the picture and wishing she could go back to that time. It was funny, really, how she had spent literal years of her life wishing for her wedding day, imagining it, and after the fact, she kept remembering and wishing back. Maybe that was it. Maybe her wedding day had been the happiest day of her life. She had known it would be and now she was certain. And now all she had was the picture and memories.

She didn't wrap that one in bubble wrap, nor did she place it in the box. She put it near her purse, by the front door. She would take it with her. She was starting over, yes, but she got one picture of her former marriage. So it happened to be her wedding picture.

The kitchen was done in twenty minutes. All pots and pans were swept into boxes and the food was already gone. Addison found an old packet of saltines way in the back and chewed on one, realizing how stale it was. A quick check on the package told her that these saltines were three years old. Three years ago seemed so long. Three years ago her marriage had just started falling into disrepair, and it wasn't nearly as bad.

The room with all the books, as Derek had called it, was afterwards. Books were merely books, and seldom few held memories for Addison. She found her weathered copy of Pride and Prejudice that she had bought almost twenty years ago and kept until now. She found the other Jane Austen books and Derek's mystery-thrillers. And then the medical books. There were at least fifty of them, books neither she nor Derek ever read. They were all for show. They willingly admitted that. Addison sighed and packed them away.

She slowly went upstairs. This would be the hard part. Her room. The other rooms were mere furniture and didn't hold anything to be packed. But this room…this room would hold everything. It was where she had shared a bed with Derek for six years. Where she'd slept with Mark. (Although, she hadn't stayed in here with Mark. The door was shut the day Derek left and she never went back in.) She paused at the door, and heaved a sigh.

She quickly turned to her side of the room. She packed away the rest of her clothes and her makeup. She didn't even give a second glance to Derek's things right now. But that could only take so long. Two hours later all of her things were taken care of and Derek's stuff was still there.

Addison tried going quickly. She tried to remove herself from her body and just go through the motions. She tried not to think about Derek. But everything smelled just like him. She was crying before she knew it. She dropped down on top of a box filled with his sweaters and cried. She missed her marriage. She was moving forward, sure. But maybe she should've been swept up by Derek's declaration of love. Maybe she should've let him kiss her and hold her and tell her he loved her.

Maybe she had made the wrong choice. She had tried to be so strong that maybe it had ruined any chance she had of going back to Derek. Her stomach sank at that thought. But Derek…he was the one who'd slept with Meredith, who'd insulted her for weeks after their divorce. She didn't love that Derek. She loved the Derek she knew. Had known.

Their marriage hadn't fallen apart from a specific event. Many at Seattle Grace had theorized a baby that had died, a death pushing them apart. But there was no such incident. Addison hadn't ever gotten pregnant from Derek. She had never carried his child. She could have, but they had always put their careers first and a child was out of the question. When he did ask her, five years into their marriage, if she was ever going to be ready to have children, she had said that she didn't think so. He had never asked her again, even though she would've changed her mind mere months later. She never brought it up and took no action to follow through. Maybe that was her fault. Maybe she should have brought it up. But a child was no guarantee of a marriage.

She left the brownstone an hour later, Derek's things packed. She had taken one of his sweaters, a green one, just to have it. The rest she was to be divided amongst Nancy's husband and Weiss. They had both been reluctant to take clothes of her ex-husband, but Addison had insisted. She didn't want them in a secondhand shop.

A wedding picture and a sweater. It wasn't a lot.

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"You can handle this kind of commitment?"

"Absolutely."

Richard watched Derek carefully. He seemed to be telling the truth, and Richard wouldn't deny Derek this. It would be wonderful for him.

"It will require a lot of work, many extra hours."

"I know."

"You'll have to give up a few key surgeries to work on it."

"The end result will be worth those few surgeries. It will be ten times better, the end result."

"If it works."

"It will work, Richard. I am confident."

"Don't lose me any money."

"I won't."

Derek stepped out of the office. He ducked into an elevator when he saw Meredith coming. She may have broken off with him; she may be doing 'fine', but regardless.

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Bailey."

"What the hell did you say to Addison last week?"

"What?"

"Don't 'what' me. What did you say?"

"Ask Addison."

"'Ask Addison'", she mocked. "You think I don't know? I was _hoping_ you'd give me a chance to redeem your sorry ass. The whole damn hospital knows."

"Who told you?"

"Addison. You told her you _loved_ her and now you're sitting in Seattle. She went back to New York and is gone and you're here. What is wrong with this picture?"

"Dr. Bailey, with all due respect, could you stay the hell away from my business?"

Bailey sighed. "I thought you finally did something right, working for your marriage or ex-wife or whatever the hell you two are now; but it turns out I was wrong. Do you commonly tell women you love them and then let them leave?"

"Dr. Bailey, let me deal with this myself."

"I am letting you deal with it yourself. I'm just saying that if this is how you're dealing with it, you're a damn fool."

Derek gritted his teeth. "I am not dealing with it like this."

"Really now? I would've guessed otherwise."

Bailey got off at the next floor. Derek stood on the elevator. He was getting to it. He was dealing with it. He loved Addison. He did. And he wasn't letting her go. He was dealing with it soon. Just because he didn't run off after her didn't mean he wasn't going to deal with it.

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There wasn't much to say about her new apartment. It was spacious and had a large enough closet. It would suffice. That was all it needed to do for now. It needed to suffice. She spent most of her time at the hospital anyway. Kirsten Farleigh, true to her word, had given Addison work and surgeries. Lots of it. Addison had never been so swamped after two weeks at a new place. But it was better than nothing.

She had put Derek's sweater in her bottom drawer, and the photograph hung on the wall of her bedroom. Savvy hadn't seen it, nor had Nancy or anyone else who had come. It was in her bedroom for a reason, because she didn't want to think about what it meant that she still had it. She didn't want to deal with what other people thought about her still having it. It was just a picture.

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Derek sat in the waiting area. Friday night, it was busy. But he was nervous and noticed nothing. He sat there for hours thinking. Wondering if he was doing the right thing. And while he had told Richard he was confident, he wasn't. He wasn't at all. He didn't know if this would work or fail but it was what he knew he had to do. He had to. He wasn't going to let Addison go.

Outside, the hubbub of New York buzzed on.

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**A/N: That's all for now, folks. Reviews would be nice. **


	9. Not Ready to Make Nice

**A/N: I'm really sorry about the wait…but here's an update. Thanks to everyone who reviewed/read. **

**Disclaimer: The chapter title comes from the song 'Not Ready to Make Nice' by the Dixie Chicks. Grey's Anatomy comes from Shonda Rhimes. **

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Derek had gotten Addison's address from Richard after much coaxing. He hadn't wanted to, but Richard knew how much this meant to Derek. And here it was. An apartment building, it was nice. Posh, as ridiculous as it sounded. Swanky. Derek shook his head and entered the building.

"Sir, do you have a pass?"

Derek shook his head.

"Then I'm going to have to ask you to either ring up to a tenant or leave."

"I'm here for my wife. Ex-wife. Addison Montgomery."

The receptionist's hand hovered over the button.

"But," Derek said quickly, "please don't ring her. She won't let me up. I know that. I've given her plenty of reason not to. I need you to let me up."

The attendant was a woman with short blonde hair, obviously dyed. She was tall, yes, but she was also not skinny. Nor was she fat. She had a few old acne scars covered by light makeup which wasn't really doing its job. No rings on her fingers. A plain shirt and skirt. And Derek was willing to bet that she had a lusty romance novel under the counter. She was a romantic.

"I really can't, sir."

"I have papers. A driver's license. My boss wrote me a reference. I swear, I'm not a murderer. Addison's my wife, well, ex-wife now. We met in med school years ago. I fell in love. We dated and married and these past fourteen years are so precious to me. And then I stopped caring. I stopped coming home. I stopped remembering. And I pushed her to my best friend. One night they slept together. I caught them…she knew I would catch them…and I ran. I high-tailed it across the country and then two nights after I caught my wife with another man I was sleeping with a girl ten years younger than me, completely drunk. And for two months I live like that, with the same girl, who happened to be an intern at the hospital I work at. Meanwhile, my wife was staying with my best friend. And then she came out. She came out for a surgery and handed me divorce papers, but I couldn't sign them. So we tried. She moved out there and gave up what she had here. She lived in a trailer with me and we fought and she tried and once again I didn't. I lusted after the intern. And then our hospital had a prom and I was there with Addison and I slept with Meredith, the intern. Addison knew and I was overjoyed and we divorced the next day, our anniversary. She's in shambles and moved back here to move on. But it took me so long to realize it. Realize that I love her. That I didn't ever really want Meredith. At least not as much as my wife. Not even comparable. And I told Addison I loved her. And she left. She said she couldn't. But I have to try. I won't forgive myself if I don't try. And so I'm here, trying. Trying. Trying harder than I ever have for anything. So please, let me up."

The woman was glancing at Derek. He handed her his driver's license, papers from Richard, hell, his degree from Columbia. She studied them. She nodded. "I might get fired, but I don't give a damn. If you are a killer, I swear to God I will hunt you down if you touch Addison. She talked to me, though. She talked about you one day, waiting for her friend. She gave the same story. I believe you. Go on up. Good luck."

Derek thanked her and headed up to the third floor. He heaved a breath in the elevator, as it clicked. Floor three. 302 was her apartment.

He stood in front of her door for at least ten minutes. Then, someone exited out of 304 and Derek placed his fist on the door center and knocked.

Five seconds, ten seconds, fifteen seconds. And then footsteps near the door. Leaning against the peephole, he assumed. And a slow, slow opening.

"Derek."

Addison had planned this out in her head. She had planned on running into his arms and saying she loved him and letting him kiss her. But she saw him and anger seeped up. She saw him pressed to Meredith. She saw the cruel words flowing out of his mouth. And she was angry.

"Addison."

His mouth went dry. Her hair was curly, and she was wearing a silk robe. Her arms were protectively wrapped around her stomach. She was just as Derek remembered.

"I didn't get buzzed."

"I know. I convinced the receptionist to let me up."

"Without confirming I know you."

"But you do know me."

Addison rolled her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you."

"I'm sure."

"I did."

"You flew all the way out here to see me. Someone who you hated not four weeks ago."

"I love you. I wasn't going to let this be the end."

"You don't love me. God, Derek. You're in love with what we had. You're in love with the comfort. But for God's sakes, you don't love me."

"No, Addie, I'm in love with you. I love you. It took me an affair and a divorce to realize it, dammit, but it's true. I love you."

"Just go."

"No."

"Go. Now. You've done it again. I think I'm moving on and then you show up and drag me back down. Go."

Derek noticed the fire in her eyes and realized that he was a fool. To think she'd just come back. It wasn't going to be that easy. He turned around. "I'm still in love with you, you know."

Addison shook her head and shut the door.

Derek tromped back downstairs. He shook his head as the receptionist looked up hopefully. She sighed. "Maybe another time."

"Maybe."

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Addison slammed her head against the couch and sat down. That was _not_ what she had planned. She had let him go, again. He had come all the way out here, regardless of if it was only for her, and she had let him go. She was a damn idiot. But she was angry. She saw him and felt anger. That wasn't how love was supposed to work. That was how hate worked.

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Mark Sloane sat alone in front of his television. He pondered on the fact that he didn't have a date, a girl, anything. It had been a few months since this had happened. He didn't even have work. Having sufficiently irritated Kirsten enough, she had banned him from working overtime. And here he was, watching sports.

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Derek passed through the lobby of Mark's apartment easily. The doorman commented on the lack of Derek's visits over the past year, but Derek was so easily recognized by the people at Mark's complex that none of his papers were necessary. They didn't buzz up to him either, assuming that Mark already knew. Derek had realized, after walking around for a while, that he may as well try to repair the relationships he had broken after running away. Mark was one of them. He ran up seven flights to Mark's apartment, figuring that some of his energy and nerve may escape if he walked. He knocked on the door before he could stop himself.

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Mark heard the door and was surprised he hadn't been buzzed. There were only a few people the doorman knew well enough to let up without a buzz. One of them was a redhead who might be willing to make amends.

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The door opened quicker than Derek would've imagined.

"Mark, I-"

"You bastard."

The door slammed in his face. Derek took a step back and tried not to laugh. He wasn't sure why he was laughing. Maybe it was his bad luck. Maybe it was the complete failure of what he was trying to do. The two people who had once meant everything to him now both hated him. Maybe it was that irony.

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Derek. Derek had come. The bastard had shown up. He had thought he could just _talk_ to Mark after everything. After Derek's affair, after Derek's divorce, after pushing one of the only women Mark had ever truly loved to a breaking point. Derek thought he could waltz back in. This was more than irritating. It was wrong. Screw their friendship. It had dissolved the second Addison had asked Mark to bed with her. Mark had broken it. And he wasn't sorry. He wasn't sorry at all. Especially not with the way Derek had handled it.

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Derek stood at the front door of his mother's house, standing only with a shred of dignity and a soaked jacket. She might hate him too. But this was his mother. Her genetic code required her to love him. She had forgiven him before, she could do it again. Derek needed her to. He needed some form of acceptance. He rang the bell, failing to notice that it was now eleven. Funny to think that a mere four hours ago he had been sitting in the airport, his hopes higher than he'd ever admit. Nancy opened the door. Derek cursed his luck, smiling faintly as a wave of disgust flew over Nancy's face. She opened the door and sighed. "Enter if you must."

Derek thanked her and wiped off his feet on the mat. He strode past Nancy as quickly as he could and entered the kitchen. Emily Shepherd stood there, reading the remains of her paper.

"Mom…"

She looked up. "Derek." Her tone was guarded. "What brings you out to New Jersey?"

"I wanted to talk to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about my divorce until after. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'm sorry about the affair…I'm sorry my marriage is over. Really, really sorry. Right now, I'd do anything to have it back."

Her eyes were shiny and the corners of them held tears. "I've missed you." And then she stood up and hugged him tightly. Derek rested his head in the crook of her neck, surprised at his own emotion. His nose began to run and he started crying. "I know you're sorry. I know you miss Addison. I also know that she misses you too."

"I don't think so."

"Derek, she moved back to New York because she couldn't stand being around you. She couldn't stand being around you because she loves you, and you weren't loving her back. She just needs a little time."

"I just saw her tonight, Mom. I went to her apartment. I tried once again to convince her that I loved her."

"It's going to take more than that."

"I know."

"It's going to take time. It's going to be bad. She's going to hate you for a while. But if you really love her, if you really want her as badly as you say you do; she'll come to terms. She's never stopped loving you. She just needs to stop hating you."

"She has reason to hate me."

"You both made mistakes," Emily said firmly. "Have you gotten over her affair? Because, Derek, that's a part of your history. It's going to come up."

"I'm trying. I'm trying to talk to Mark again. I think that the second Addison lets me into her life will be the second I can forgive her once and for all."

"Just don't rely on that. Forgive her before she lets you in."

Derek nodded. "Would I be able to stay here tonight?"

"Of course."

Derek turned up to go upstairs.

"Derek?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for coming out here to talk."

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**A/N: Reviews are lovely. Which means you should press the little button on the left side and give me one. Please and thank you.**


	10. Keep Us Together, Whatever It Takes

**A/N: So, hi. I am back, after like six weeks of not updating. I'm sorry. But I promise, you'll like this one. I promise. Cross my heart. And hope that I finish all of my summer work in the next week. I'm a good planner.  
**

**Disclaimer: Meredith and Derek are together, and Addison and Burke are gone. Do you think I own the show? The title of this chapter is from the song 'Whatever it Takes' by Lifehouse.**

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"How did it go?"

Derek looked up at Richard with tired eyes. "I spent a lot of time with my mother. I ate a lot of cakes and talked to my sister, Nancy, who might actually be on the verge of forgiving me now."

"What else?"

"I tried talking to Mark…he had little to say to me." Derek laughed with a note of bitterness.

"Derek, what about Addison? The person you went to go see? What happened?"

"Nothing. Nothing happened."

"You did go to see her, yes?"

"Of course I did. But she's still as angry as ever. She didn't want to talk. She made me leave."

"You came back. You are trying. I hope you didn't expect her to run back to you the first time after she left."

"She was my wife."

"You cheated on her."

"She cheated on me first." Derek slammed his fist on Richard's desk. "Damn it. I'm trying not to use that. I'm trying to forgive her. I'm trying to forget."

"You won't ever forget."

"I'll forgive. I'll try to forget. I won't hold it against her."

"Are you going back again next weekend?"

"I am. I have to try again."

"How long are you going to keep going?"

"The rest of my life. If that's what it takes. If I never get to hold her in my arms at least I can die knowing I tried. I tried."

"Don't you think that's a bit extreme? What if she's really over you?" But Richard knew it wasn't true. Derek knew it wasn't true.

"I'll keep going. It might be extreme. But I love her."

Richard cleared his throat.

"So, uh, what did I miss here this weekend?"

"There was a boating accident on Saturday and I had to get Dr. Barnes to do a brain surgery. Nothing serious, though."

"And today, everything is as planned?"

"Yes."

"Then I guess I'd better get to work."

"You had better. You're taking care of your extra 20 hours sometime in this week?"

"I'm staying until midnight every night, and will be here at seven every morning. Friday I'm leaving at eight in the morning, as you know."

"You don't have to do this, Derek."

"I want to do it, Richard."

Derek shook Richard's hand and exited the office, glancing at a chart in front of him. He waited for the elevator and was surprised to see Dr. Dandridge standing inside it.

"Dr. Shepherd," Finn said, keeping his tone formal.

"Dr. Dandridge. How have you been?"

"Just wonderful. And yourself?"

"I've been alright. What brings you to Seattle Grace?"

"Meredith."

"Are you…seeing her again?"

"I have been for two weeks, now."

"Oh, that's…wonderful."

"She apologized for the childish ways in which she'd acted during and after prom and asked if I'd give her a second chance."

Derek gritted his teeth. "Childish ways?"

"Destroying your marriage, hurting Addison, and hurting me."

Derek's hands were balled into fists now. The elevator clicked up to the correct floor and Finn exited. Meredith apologized to Finn for hurting _Addison_? That didn't even make sense. Meredith would've hurt Addison in a second not six months ago. Derek shamefully admitted he would've done the same. Fool. That's what he was. He could be with Addison right now, if he hadn't screwed up so badly. But he knew he wouldn't want to be. If he hadn't slept with Meredith at prom, if he hadn't divorced his wife, if he hadn't dated Meredith again, he would've never realized just how much he loved his wife. Ex-wife. That was a major detail he was always forgetting. Or trying to forget. Either way.

"Are you going somewhere, McDreamy, or are we just going to stand here and stare off into space?"

Derek stood up straight and looked down at Dr. Bailey. She was tapping her foot with a smug look on her face.

"I heard you went to visit Addison this weekend."

"Briefly."

"It went that well, huh?"

"I'm trying, Dr. Bailey."

"I said nothing. I think you're finally doing the right thing."

"Really?"

She smiled as she stepped off the elevator a floor up. "Really."

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"So how was Derek this weekend?" Mark said from behind Addison. She was startled momentarily.

"God, you're here. And what do you mean about Derek?"

"Oh, please, Addie. Do you think I'm a total idiot? I did go to Columbia for God's sake."

"I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Derek came to try to talk to me. I know he doesn't love me enough to come out here to talk to me. I do know someone he happens to love enough to do that, however."

"He tried talking to me," she said shortly.

"And?"

"I told him to leave."

Mark smirked. "So you're not in love with him then. Interesting."

"I never said that."

"So you are. The twists and turns of life."

"Mark, stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Stop…" Addison stomped her foot. "Stop talking!"

Mark laughed. "I'm sorry Addie."

"Don't call me that."

"Why, because Derek still does?"

Addison shook her head. "Unbelievable. Maybe I just don't like you calling me by a name that has a lot of strings attached."

"You mean strings that start with kissing and end with gasps for breath."

"Just stop, Mark. You want to know why we can't be friends again? Because of this! You'll never just leave me alone. You never did before, and then I wanted you to be there, because I was in a terrible marriage. But now I'm doing fine. F-i-n-e. I'm the textbook definition of fine. So just stop hovering."

"You know you can't resist me." He leaned in closer and bent down to her ear, dropping his voice. "And I also know, that regardless of what you say, I was also more than just a good fuck."

"I fell in love with you. There. Are you happy now? I admitted it. I was in love with you and we had sex. We essentially lived together for two months and I got pregnant with your child. Then I caught you with another woman and left you."

"A few modifications. First, we didn't have sex; we made love." Addison rolled her eyes. "Two, you were pregnant with my child but you aborted it. Three, what you caught me with didn't mean anything. And four," he paused, placing his fingers on Addison's cheek. "I don't believe the past tense. You are in love with me."

"I am not in love with you."

"The more you try to deny it, the truer it gets."

"Mark, we don't have anything left."

"But you have something left with Derek?"

"Derek and I had twelve years of marriage. You and I had two months of an affair. Maybe he and I have something left."

"But it's you who doesn't know. He came out here, Adds. It's you who prevented a bed scene from taking place."

"So I'm a little bit hesitant about letting a man back into my life who slept with a girl 10 years younger than him while I was a floor away. Sue me."

"He wasn't hesitant about declaring his love for you."

"After I had an affair, he moved out to Seattle, we tried again, we got divorced, he broke up with Meredith, and I moved back to New York. Yeah. Not hesitant at all."

"So you admit it. He did tell you he loved you."

"He's told me."

"And you haven't given any word back. Curious." Mark turned his back and walked down the other hall.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

This time, Derek didn't need his papers or stories or anything. The receptionist welcomed him back.

"I hope you two work out. I hope you're not wasting your time."

"Me too." Derek left and walked upstairs. He was tired. Working until midnight everyday was killing him, even he did only have four days in his work week. And then he had been on a plane for a good portion of the day. To go see Addison. All to go see Addison. He knocked on the door, less nervous than the past week. How much worse could it get?

"Derek."

"Please, just let me talk to you. I'm sorry, Addison. I'm sorry about everything that I did and everything I didn't do but should've done. I'm sorry I abandoned you long before you cheated, I'm sorry I left you even after you cheated when we could've worked on it. I'm sorry I didn't work on it. I'm sorry about prom. I'm sorry about the divorce. I'm sorry I've ruined that day for you." Addison looked up, a light in her eyes. Derek knew he had hit a mark with that one. "I'm sorry about everything. I love you."

"Derek, I know you love me. You've said it at least a dozen times since my last day in Seattle. I know you claim to love me. But I've said it before and I'll say it again. I don't trust you. You broke my heart, Derek. You took it and smashed it under your heel. I don't want to let you back into my life when you might just do it all over again because Meredith gets a new color treatment in her hair and you can't resist her."

"She's dating Finn!"

"And that stopped you from sleeping with her before."

"Addie, do you think you didn't do anything to my own heart when I found you screwing my best friend? Don't you think that was like a blunt object straight to the heart?"

"I've said I'm sorry about that, Derek, and I'd say it again but you don't care about the apology. You just want something to hold over my head. You know I'm sorry about that, but here's one thing that may shock you: I don't want to take it back. If I had just continued on my life without sleeping with Mark I would not be nearly as happy as I am today. I hated divorcing you and I hated breaking your heart but at least we were both feeling something for each other. Even if it was hatred. It was something. We'd still be married probably if I hadn't slept with Mark but neither of us would be happy."

"I'm not happy right now, Addison! I'm not happy."

"Well I'm happy."

"Damn it, Addie."

"Did you really think I would just fall back into your arms? If so, you're a fool, Derek Shepherd. A fool. I'm not Meredith. Your smile doesn't make me go weak in the knees anymore. I can resist your eyes, your touch, and anything else you might throw at me. I don't need you!"

"But I need you!"

"You didn't need me when you had me. You didn't need me when I needed you!"

"I'm sorry!"

Neither said anything after that. They had both been yelling at each other without realizing it.

Derek sighed. "I have to go."

"You have to go?"

"I have to go. If I stay here a minute longer you're going to make me go, so it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm sorry and I love you. And I know, Addie, that you still love me. I hope I can make you trust me again."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"What do you want?" Mark sneered as he opened the door.

"To apologize for punching you."

Mark laughed. "That is rich, Derek Shepherd. You, apologize? To me? I didn't think you could."

"Mark, I'm sorry."

"I don't accept your apology."

"You don't accept my apology?"

"I don't accept your apology for everything else you're trying to encompass in apologizing for the punch."

"What in the world are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the real reason you're here. You think we can just be friends again. But I'm telling you we can't."

Derek clenched his fists. "You think I should be apologizing for the reason we can't be friends? Me? You're kidding."

"You think I should apologize?"

"You had sex with my wife!"

"You weren't having sex with your wife. You took her for granted, Derek, and Addison isn't someone you take for granted."

"I know that now."

"But you didn't know it in New York, Derek, did you? You didn't know it when you screwed that intern, did you? You didn't know it when you divorced Addison on your anniversary, did you? You know, I may have been completely drunk by your wedding reception, but I still remember how happy Addison was. She was so damn happy, Derek. She still loved you long after you abandoned her. I was just her second choice, even if she did fall in love with me. I wasn't the person she wanted to be in love with."

Mark slammed the door and Derek was met with a moment of déjà vu from the last week. At least he and Mark had talked…or spat words at each other. It was a start.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next week, he brought poppies for Addison and a pair of shoes he found in his trailer. She threw the flowers back in his face but took the shoes, because she reasoned that they were 700 and not worth wasting. Mark was out all weekend.

The week after that, Derek and Addison yelled at each other yet again, but in the yelling Addison had said she loved Derek. Derek had been so giddy that Mark had almost laughed in the presence of Derek. Almost.

The following week, Addison had been at work, and Derek had run into several people he knew, including Mark. Mark asked Derek how long he was going to keep up this business of travel, and Derek told him as long as it took. Addison had been in surgery and happened to see Derek watching. It made her a tiny bit happy to see him, something she would never admit to anyone. Savvy was already worried enough as it was that Derek was visiting every weekend.  
The Friday after that, Derek had the opportunity to partake in a surgery in Seattle involving a new method. He declined and went to go visit Addison. She yelled. Derek went to visit Mark, and Mark invited him to watch a football game. Derek considered this progress.

Derek had been neglecting his mother, so he went to visit her the next week. They talked about what he had been doing and his mother nearly cried. Kathleen was there with her children, and she had patted Derek on the back and told him that Addison would come around. Derek visited Addison the next evening, late at night, and she had said nothing, just listened to him talk. He could've sworn he heard her crying after she shut the door.

He made her laugh, the next week. She had laughed at something he said. She had laughed for him. Mark had apologized. If this wasn't improvement, Derek didn't know what was.

The week after that, Derek knew something was wrong when Addison opened the door and her hair was all disheveled.

"Addie, what happened?"

She said nothing and shrugged. "Tonight's just not good, Derek, okay?"

"Addie, what's wrong? Please tell me. It's not me, is it? What did I do?"

She burst into tears and Derek wanted so badly to reach out and touch her face, to soothe her. She never cried. Never. She opened the door and motioned for him to come inside. Derek stepped inside her apartment for the first time in eight weeks and she went over to the answering machine, pressing play and sinking down on the couch. Derek took a chair opposite and listened to the message.

_"Addie, dear, it's your father. Your mom is in the hospital. She got into a car accident earlier today, and she's alive but she won't wake up yet. We can't…we can't get her to wake up. She's breathing on her own. Just…come see her. We're at Hartford Memorial. Room 342. Just come please._

Addison was crying, the tears flowing freely down her face. Derek took a split-second of thought before he was up and before he had taken Addison in his arms. He had expected her to shrink away, to yell. But she buried her face in the crook of Derek's neck and wrapped her arms around him.

"Addie, have you gone to go see her?"

"Not yet. I can't. I can't go see my mother."

"Addie, you can. I'll…I'll come if you want."

She lifted her head. "You will?"

"I will."

"What if she dies, Derek? What if my mother dies?"

"Addie, sh-h, she'll be just fine."

"You're a doctor. You know odds. She might die."

"Addie, she's not dead now."

"She told me to give you a second chance. Like you gave me one when I came out to Seattle. She told me that if you ever wanted a second chance, I should give it to you. I didn't give you a second chance."

"What is this right now then? What has the past eight weeks been? This is plenty of a second chance. I get to hold you in my arms again. I never expected even that."

"I should hate you right now. For cheating on me, for everything. But I don't. I don't hate you at all. I love you. I love you too much, which is why this hurts."

"What hurts?"

"Letting you back in. It hurts even though it's what I want. I just feel so comfortable sitting here with you holding me. You come every week…how do you even do that?"

"I work off the extra hours during the week. I fly in on Friday, back out on Sunday."

"Every week?"

"For these past eight, at least."

"You are flying out, losing money, every weekend. And you keep coming, even when I yell and throw things. Why?"

"I love you, and I was a fool not to realize it before when you were right in front of me. But I have to try. I knew I had to try. So I tried. Every weekend up to this one."

"Oh, Derek. Thank you for not giving up on me."

Derek held her tighter, trying not to cry. Addison was giving him a chance. The chance he wanted, the chance he had begged her for. "I love you, Addison."

Addison nodded and let Derek hold her as she cried. He smoothed her hair and kissed the top of her head and after an hour, she was asleep in his arms. He had gotten to hold her. He watched her sleep for a few moments before kissing her cheek gently and laying her down on the couch. He found a blanket and draped it over her sleeping figure. She was giving him his chance.

He wandered around the apartment, and found her bedroom door wide open. What he couldn't ignore was their wedding picture above the bed. He smiled at it. It was one of his favorite pictures of Addison.

Derek left a note saying that he would be back the following day at eleven to take Addison over to Connecticut. He closed the door quietly, hearing the lock click into place behind him. He got downstairs and the receptionist was smiling.

"You made a breakthrough."

"I did."

"Congratulations."

Derek smiled, and nodded.

"I think what you've done is just plain romantic. Addison's incredibly lucky to have you."

"I hope she feels the same way."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Derek was prompt the next morning. Right at eleven he knocked on the door and Addison opened it, after checking herself over one final time. She smiled gently when she saw a handful of poppies.

"Are those the ones I threw at you?"

"Nope. Brand new ones. But feel free to throw those, if you like."

Addison laughed, her eyes dancing with mirth. She was more put-together, today. Her dress was straight and she smelled good and her hair was catching the sunshine in all the right places.

"Are you ready to go then? I rented a car for the day."

Addison nodded. "I'm ready. I got the day off from Kirsten."

"Ah, Dr. Farleigh. She liked me."

"She likes mostly everyone,"

"Except Mark." Derek finished for her.

Addison laughed. "That hasn't changed. I think if anything, Kirsten hates him more now. Something involving all of the nurses and 'Seven Minutes in Heaven' in an on-call room."

Derek sighed and shook his head. Mark was still a sensitive topic between them, but maybe they could talk about him like this. "Oh, God."

"Except seven minutes was apparently a misnomer, because Mark took his sweet time with each of them. There was a sign-up sheet, I believe. One nurse's husband is getting a divorce as a result, although she claims they did nothing wrong."

"A room, alone with Mark. That means something's wrong." Derek silently hoped Addison had nothing to do with this.

Addison was quiet. "Not always. Mark and I spent plenty of time alone in rooms before anything happened."

"Addie, I mean, well…it's just usually, well, uh…" Derek searched for words to mend his mistake.

"Mark screws anything with a vagina. I know. I wonder who the first girl was."

"My seventh grade girlfriend."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Seventh grade? That's…kind of young. I didn't get kissed until the twelfth grade."

"I don't even remember my first kiss."

"I do. It was…awkward. My first kiss and my loss of virginity happened in the same night."

Derek turned towards Addison, his eyes off the road. "Really?"

"Skippy Gold. Prom."

"I knew you lost your virginity that night, but you never told me it was your first kiss."

"I don't like admitting it."

"You wouldn't admit it to me when I was your husband, but you'll admit it to me when I'm your ex-husband who's once again pursuing you?"

"I figure I may as well. I got my first kiss and then all of the sudden Skippy was reaching for the zipper on the back of my dress and I didn't want to stop him. I wish I would have, now. It wasn't bad…it just wasn't good…or great."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I know you and Marcia Baumberg had the perfect first time."

"I may have overdone it with the candles."

"How in the world did you get everyone out of your house?"

"Nancy, Kathleen, and Renee were already in college. My mother was spending the weekend in the heart of the city with Meg. As a tenth grader, I had two thoughts.The first involved a crate of magazines I split with Mark that was hidden in the far back corner of Mark's room and a lot of spare time," Addison laughed at that. "The second involved Marcia. I decided I could go with the second."

"And it was perfect."

Derek shook his head. "I have only had perfect sex once."

"Who was that with?"

"You."

"And when was this?"

"It was a night you wouldn't think would be perfect. It wasn't our first time together, even if you stunned me with what you knew. It wasn't our wedding night, although that sex was wonderful. It wasn't an anniversary or holiday or birthday. It was just an ordinary night, four and a half years into our marriage. I got home late and you had 'made' dinner and we ate and we went to bed and decided to have sex."

Addison smiled. "I think I remember that time. I had gotten Chinese food, yes?"

"Chinese food and beer. And then we went upstairs and you sat in my lap and kissed me and told me you loved me and we moved on from there."

"That was good."

"But not perfect?"

"You did okay."

Derek laughed. Of all the conversation topics, they were talking about sex. This was possibly the last thing Derek would've imagined they talk about. "How's Parker?"

"Parker? Oh. Parker. He's good. We email pretty regularly, talking about chemistry and medicine and Seattle and New York and random things."

"I may have ambushed him, but he still seems like a nice guy. Even then he did. Which, I guess now that I think about it, scared me."

"Why?"

"Because I thought if you found another nice guy you'd fall out of love with me before I had a chance to prove to you I was back in love with you."

"He told me, the first night we met at that bar, that he wouldn't try and take me home that night. I hated it at first, because it was my anniversary and I just wanted to forget, but I ultimately loved him for it. And then we went out to dinner and I was afraid we'd try to date and that thought…scared me, I guess. But he told me he wouldn't try and date me."

"I hope you know I can't make the same promise."

"I hope you won't."

Derek flashed Addison a grin. "So does Parker know I have been, for lack of a better word, visiting you?"

"I told him, mentioned it in passing. He was concerned, very much so, but I told him then that it was nothing, that I was still angry at you so it didn't really matter." She shrugged. "Thank you for last night. For the comfort and everything…I can't remember the last time I fell apart like that."

"I can. It was the night I ran away. The night I physically abandoned you, even though I had abandoned you mentally long before then. I didn't comfort you then."

"You were angry."

"That's not an excuse."

"Neither is your absence an excuse for sleeping with Mark."

Neither said anything for a while, the true realization setting on both of them. They had a hell of a lot of baggage as a couple. Baggage that couldn't be ignored if they ever hoped to be together again.

"Maybe," Derek said softly, "We should talk about something else. For now."

"Okay. I guess we can't just move right into everything in the past."

"One day."

"One day sooner than we'd both like it. It needs to happen."

"Not today."

"No, not today."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Derek and Addison got into Hartford after a time, and walked inside together, unsure of how to act.

"I'm Addison Montgomery. My mother, Leslie Montgomery, is in the hospital."

The receptionist looked up after clicking around on a computer. "Oh, yes. She's up in room 342."

"Thank you."

A doctor at a station looked up as they passed. "Mrs. Montgomery?"

Addison jumped. "It's just Dr. Montgomery. I'm, um, not married." Addison cast a sideways glance at Derek, who looked uncomfortable. "But yes?"

"It's good you're here, especially now. I'm Dr. Bruce Randolph, your mother's doctor. Follow me."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: Oh my God, that's long. I'm sorry. But I was rereading my story as a whole and it's been ten chapters of just depressing moments and I figured that I needed to speed up the whole 'Derek visiting' process. I didn't really, I mean, it was still eight weeks he did, but I only did two in detail. I was going to cut this up and add more but I was too excited to have my favorite couple stop yelling at each other.**

**So yes. I now am even further behind on my summer work, but this was more fun, so it's okay. Review! That's not a request. **


	11. Shooting Stars

**A/N: I am so sorry about the wait.**

**Disclaimer: The show belongs to Shonda, the title of the chapter comes from the song 'Shooting Stars' by Edwin McCain.**

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison swayed a little. Derek noticed it, although the doctor didn't seem to care. They followed him up an elevator and down a hall and into a room. Addison was holding Derek's hand so tightly his skin was white.

"Addison, you finally came."

Addison let her breath catch before speaking. "Mom, you're fine."

"Of course I'm fine. What did you think, I would die? Honestly, I wouldn't leave you this soon."

Addison dropped Derek's hand and ran over to her mother. She gave her a hug and kissed her mother on the cheek. "I'm so glad you're okay."

Leslie Montgomery was often surprised by her daughter, this time was no exception. She took notice of Derek standing awkwardly behind her daughter.

"Dr. Shepherd."

"Mrs. Montgomery."

"What in the world are you doing here?"

Derek paused and glanced at his feet. "I'm here because…I'm courting Addison."

Addison smiled at the simplicity of his response.

"Courting Addison?"

"I'm made a mistake when I divorced her. I realized my stupidity and I'm trying to get her to love me again. Last night I flew out and found her upset, so I tried to figure out how to change that. I offered to come visit you with her."

Mrs. Montgomery considered this, and nodded. "That's very gentlemanlike of you."

"Thank you."

Mr. Montgomery walked into the room with a cup of water. He smiled when he saw Addison.

"Addie, you came."

Addison nodded.

"I called you just minutes ago but you didn't pick up…I figured you were at work."

"I came here."

Mr. Montgomery looked behind Addison at Derek. "Derek. What in the world are you doing here?"

"I'm here with Addison."

"Well, obviously. But last thing I heard you were out in Seattle. Hartford isn't Seattle."

"I've been trying to get Addison to stop hating me."

"How?"

"I come out every weekend and try to talk to her. Last night I came and she was upset about the news…I offered to come with her today."

"Really?"

Addison broke in. "He has done so much."  
Mr. Montgomery looked at Addison and nodded. "Addie, dear, can we take a walk outside for a second?"

Addison nodded. She followed her father outside into a small courtyard with a path.

"You're still in love with Derek."

Addison nodded, knowing it would be useless to deny it.

"You trust him?"

"Not yet, no. But I'm starting to."

"Are you dating him yet?"

"No. I just stopped yelling at him last night. Every other week before we'd get into fights. Nasty fights."

"Are you going to marry him again?"

"I don't know. That's a long way ahead if it happens."

"But you might?"

"I might. Maybe one day."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Derek stood near the door for a few minutes, not daring pull out his phone. He remembered the first time he had tried such a thing, with his pager, almost ten years ago. He and Addison had been married for about two years and were going to her parents' house for dinner one night. His pager had beeped during drinks and he had merely glanced at the number, and Mrs. Montgomery had berated him.

_"Derek, what are you doing?"_

_"I have to check my pager, just quickly."  
_

_"Why?"_

_"It might be the hospital."_

_"Put it away."_

_Addison, he remembered, was beside herself at this point. She was smiling and trying not to laugh. _

_"But it might be my job."_

_"They'll live without you."_

_Mrs. Montgomery had glared at him until Derek slipped it back into his coat pocket. _

"Derek." Leslie Montgomery just pulled him forward ten years.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Don't give me that fake politeness. What are your intentions?"

"My intentions?"

"Do you want to just sleep with Addison once, and then realize that you don't love her and that you made a mistake and you'll go back to your little girlfriend?"

"No. You know that's not true."

"Two years ago I did. Now I'm not so sure. Isn't that what happened with…Meredith? You wanted her while you were married and then as soon as you could have sex with her, it wasn't fun anymore?"

"No. That's not it."

"Did you or did you not sleep with Meredith and then as soon as you divorced Addison you were through with Meredith?"

"No."

"Then do tell your side of the story."

"I thought I loved Meredith because I was so angry with Addison but I didn't."

"And so?"

"And so I slept with Meredith because I thought I loved Meredith but I found out I didn't actually love her."

"And you're telling me you're absolutely positive this won't happen to Addison?"

"I was married to Addison for twelve years. I love her, and I know that. This wasn't three months of some whirlwind romance, this is twelve years!"

"You didn't see her after you ran away with Meredith, Derek. You didn't come visit her and see her fall apart and cry. She was devastated, and you can't understand that. She sent her wedding rings to her father because she couldn't bear to have them at all. This divorce may have been easy for you but it was one of the hardest things Addison's ever done!"

The heart monitors off to the side of her bed had started beating more wildly and Derek watched the fury in Leslie Montgomery's eyes.

"Mrs. Montgomery, you might want to settle down, the heart-"

"Derek, I don't give a damn about the heart monitor."

"It's not going to happen again. I know how hard the divorce was for her, it was hard for me too."

"Oh yes, I'm sure it was."

"I found out that my wife stayed with my best friend after I left."

"You were gone Derek. You fled the town, city, everything. Maybe I don't fully approve of her actions but she did what she had to do. You were just looking for an excuse to bolt; Addison's affair was just a concrete reason to hate her."

"I don't hate her."

"Anymore. Now you 'love' her."

"I'm not going to explain this to you. I don't have to. Addison's a big girl now; she can make her own decisions. She knows how she feels about me. Are you objected to me dating her again?"

"Unless you're going to hurt her again, no. If you do, I swear to God, I'll rip you in half with my bare hands."

Derek nodded and felt they had both reached an understanding. She smiled and sat back on her pillows.

"One more thing, Derek."

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I know it's in style and modern and whatever else, but don't just live with her. Marry her."

"What?"

"Marry her."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison and Derek left the hospital in the late afternoon and were back in the city by evening. It was just coming abuzz on a Saturday night and everything was lit up and alive. Compared to the relative stillness of the hospital and Hartford in general, this was a shock.

"Are you hungry?"

Addison looked over at Derek. She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so. I haven't really thought about it, to be honest."

"Do you want to grab something quickly?"

"Yeah. I would, actually."

"Do you mind where?"

"No."

Derek navigated the streets of Manhattan easily, even if they were crowded. He slipped down a side street and found parking. He fed a few coins into the meter and helped Addison out of the car. It was the beginning of October and a bit chilly, but not enough to wear a coat. Derek walked next to Addison and they both knew exactly where they were headed. They turned into a Chinese place and the petite woman smiled when they entered.

"Mr. and Mrs. Shepherd. It has been so long." However, she quickly noticed the absence of Addison's rings. "Ah. You are not Mrs. Shepherd anymore."

Addison nodded quickly

"Two?"

"Two."

She nodded and led them over to a table, setting the menus in front of them. "Have a great meal."

Addison studied the menu closely even though she knew exactly what she was getting.

"Addie. This isn't a date."

"Oh." She said. "Oh. It's not."

"I mean, it doesn't have to be. I don't want to pressure you into anything…I've already screwed up once…I don't want to make the wrong move and mess everything up again. A fine balance."

"Derek, you've got your chance."

Derek didn't dare believe her. "You mean…"

"I mean that here it is. Your chance was here the second you scooped me in your arms and held me last night…watched me fall asleep. But this is it. If you mess it up again, I don't care how much I love you or you love me. We're over."

Derek nodded, smiling broadly as the waitress came to take their order.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He drove her back to her apartment. They had talked at dinner easily and paid the check and left. He walked her upstairs, stopping to flash a smile at the receptionist who had been so kind to him these past weeks, and stopped at her door.

"Thanks Derek…for everything."

Derek nodded and hugged Addison gently and quickly. "I'll see you next week."

Addison turned around and went inside. She sighed and fell back against the door. Her hair tumbled all over her face and she smiled, blushing red.

Addison heard a buzz minutes later and pressed okay without looking. Her mind instantly flashed to a thousand X-rated scenarios of Derek coming back to see her. She pondered whether she would let him until she heard a tap on the door and she opened it.

"Parker." Addison couldn't have been more shocked.

"Addison. Hey."

"What in the world are you doing here in New York?"

"Urgent trip out here…I have to prep for the conference in five months but apparently everything's fallen apart…head of the corporation quit, and we're trying to make deals to make this still happen."

"God, that sucks."

"We'll make it work."

"How do you like the city?"

"I can't believe it. It's absolutely huge. I never imagined it to be quite this big…and it's late and everything's so…alive!"

Addison nodded. "That's why I love it." She opened the door. "Do you want to come in for a bit?"

"I would absolutely love to, but I'm on my dinner break, so I just stopped by to say hello and see how you're doing. I knew I wouldn't hear the end of it if you ever found out that I was here and didn't stop by."

"Are you free at all tomorrow?"

Parker shook his head and shrugged. "I wish. But no, I have to work my ass off tomorrow and then I leave at 4. I'll be back in March though."

"Okay."

"How's Derek doing?"

"Really, really well, actually." Addison would've sworn a look of disgust flew across Parker's face.

"You're…dating?"

"I don't know yet. My mother was in an accident yesterday and she was in a coma and Derek came as per usual and he didn't think for a second before he was holding me and assuring me it would be okay."

"That's good, Addison."

"Yeah, it's really good. How's Jane doing?"

"I haven't really spoken with her since the night we all went out to dinner, but I'm pretty sure she's doing great. You know, just being Jane."

"I got the pictures she sent me a few weeks ago…they're great. She's really a good photographer."

"She'll love to hear that." Parker glanced at his watch. "I'm sorry, I've got to go. You live somewhere that would be considered 'out of the way' for a 30 minute dinner break."

"I'm sorry. Do you need something to eat?"

"I'm good, thanks." Parker leaned in and kissed Addison quickly on the cheek, and then took off in the other direction.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Derek came back to work Sunday afternoon whistling. He walked into Richard's office and Richard raised an eyebrow.

"Don't tell me you slept with her?"

Derek stopped mid-whistle. "What do you take me to be? Someone who would sacrifice the honor of a woman I love so soon?" Derek grinned after that.

"Meredith Grey…a bar…about 14 months ago…"

"Different. I was an idiot then and not in clear thought."

"And you are now?"

"Extremely."

"So what happened?"

"Her mom was in a coma on Friday night…she was distraught…so I held her and watched her cry herself to sleep in my arms…and yesterday we drove out to Hartford to visit her. She's better now. Her mother, I mean. And Addie's doing great too."

"So you're still going?"

"I couldn't stop now. Not if you paid me double to stay. It wouldn't matter."

Richard sighed and shook his head. "Here's what you missed over the weekend. Major surgery tomorrow morning. Other than that, normal week."

"Great. I'll go check on patients right now."

Derek whistled down the hallway and ran right into Alex and Izzie. They gawked after him.

"Did McDreamy get laid?"

"Logical explanation for his behavior."

"By Addison?"

Alex turned to stare at Izzie. "What do you mean? Addison's been gone for months."

Now it was Izzie's turn to stare at Alex. "McDreamy's been going to visit Addison in New York every weekend for the past eight weeks…how did you miss that?"

"I figured we just were in different places at different times."

"My god. Dense, anyone?"

"So he got laid by Addison?"

"I don't know. I heard Addison's kind of hated him these past two months-"

"Can't blame her, Derek was a bastard."

"And maybe they broke through this weekend."

"And had sex immediately? I know McDreamy would like that, but I don't think Addison would allow it."

"Addison wouldn't allow what?"

"Oh, Meredith. Hey. Addison wouldn't just jump in bed with McDreamy the first time she didn't throw something at him. No matter what he did."

"It's true," Meredith confirmed. "Derek told me it took six months of dating her before she slept with him way back when."

"When did he tell you this?"

"Our walks, a few months ago."

"Oh," Alex and Izzie said in unison.

"I know you don't approve. You don't have to. We're done and over, and look who he picked. Look who he really loved."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: Honestly, I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry about the wait. This chapter just took forever to write, what with school starting again and moving and all that. But **_**hopefully**_** the next chapters will have a much, much shorter break.**


	12. Until You Got Love

**It would've only been a month. But then came November and NaNoWriMo and that was another month. So here I am.**

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to ABC and Shonda Rhimes. The title for this chapter is from the song 'Until You Got Love' by Jon McLaughlin. **

xxxxxxxxxxx

"It's just coffee, Savvy."

"Just coffee? Just coffee?"

"I promise."

"You know as well as I do what 'just coffee' can turn into." Savvy took a bite of her sandwich.

"I know. But it's Derek."

Savvy raised an eyebrow. "If I remember correctly, you were just 'out on a coffee date' with Derek six months after you started dating when I walked in on you both in bed."

"I know what I'm doing."

"Just don't do anything stupid."

"I can't believe we're even having this discussion. I'm almost forty. I know how to handle a man."

"Keep him tame, Addie."

Addison laughed. She took a spoonful of soup and smiled. "Listen, I have to go. I have a few appointments. I'll talk to you Sunday night."

"Don't do anything I wouldn't."

"Wide range, Savvy. Wide range."

xxxxxxxxxxx

Derek, as much as he hated it, visited his mother on Friday night. He loved his mother, of course, but he really wanted to see Addison. They had plans for tomorrow. Derek knew that. It didn't matter. He wanted to see her right now. Addison had been all he'd been able to think about all week. He'd sworn he'd seen her around the hospital four times. Even if it was impossible.

"Derek. How nice of you to visit."

Derek stepped inside and brushed the light snow off of his feet. "I didn't know a storm was in order for New Jersey."

"It's not supposed to be here. Hopefully it's just this light. If there's more than this I won't be ready for it." She peered out the window hopefully and shut the door. "So you're going outside with Addison tomorrow?"

"How do you know?"

"Please, Derek. I have my ways." Mrs. Shepherd bustled around the kitchen. "Do you want coffee? Tea? Milk?"

"Milk sounds good."

She poured Derek a glass of milk. She set out some bread and got herself a cup of coffee. "So talk to me about Addison."

It could've been fourteen years ago. When he had first started dating Addison. When he had first gotten serious about settling down. "What do you want to know that you don't?"

"How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Get her to trust you again? I don't think, if your father had ever done something like that, I would've trusted him again."

"Well then" Derek said, smiling as he took a sip of the milk, "I'm glad I married Addison and not you."

Mrs. Shepherd laughed. "But seriously. Derek, what you did…what did you do? Why does she love you still?"

"Addison's an amazing person. That's all I can offer."

"I guess it is. It has to be her ability to forgive."

"Although, I had to forgive a lot too."

"You did. I'm not undermining that. I'm just saying. You were scum."

"Mother!"

"Truth hurts." She took another sip of her coffee. "You know, Nancy and Kathleen are practically bursting with pride. They wanted to know if Addison was coming for the holidays."

"I have coffee planned. We're taking this one day at a time."

"I understand."

"But I hope."

xxxxxxxxxx

Addison applied a shade of lipstick, but then took it off. It made her look like a hooker. Like she wanted Derek to kiss her. Which she did…eventually. Not now. If he kissed her today then they would move too fast. She put on another, lighter shade, and puckered her lips in the mirror as her buzzer rang. She went over to it and okayed the caller, a Derek Shepherd, the man at the front desk. A Derek Shepherd? How about the Derek Shepherd? She heard his footsteps and made a final swish at her eyes with the mascara wand before setting it down and opening the door.

"Derek."

"Addie. You look beautiful." Derek wasn't lying. She had on jeans and a colorful, silky shirt. And heels. Always heels.

"You don't look so bad yourself."

"Are you ready?"

Addison grabbed her purse. "Yeah. I'm good."

"Okay then."

Making small talk was something they were both good at. They hailed a cab easily, both of them native enough to the city to know the special whistle and finger motion.

"Ninety-ninth and Park, please." Derek knew where to go. It was like he'd never left. The cabbie was driving to a coffee shop Addison frequented, and one that Derek had frequented just a few years ago.

The cab took less than five minutes. They would've walked, Addison supposed, but it had recently rained and it was gloomy. Derek paid the cabbie and helped Addison out. "You don't mind coming here, do you?"

Addison shook her head. "Do you?"

"No. I just wanted to make sure."

"That's very considerate of you."

"I'm a considerate guy."

Addison smiled and found a table. A table was far better than those awkward chairs, or worse, the couches that had always reminded her of Friends. She waited for Derek. He said he could cover hers.

"And a mocha for the redhead."

Addison laughed. "I can't resist them."

"And I've never figured out how you stay so thin when all you drink is this and Coke."

"Magic," Addison winked. "I suppose you got some twenty-five-word-long order?"

"Running doesn't make all of us magically thin. Some of us have to eat healthily."

"That's unfortunate. Run more."

"If only."

"Next weekend," Addison said, "bring your running shoes. We're going to go on a quick jog through Central Park."

"Define quick jog."

"I'm thinking four or five miles."

"Only you, Addie, and a marathon runner, would think that four or five miles is a quick jog."

"It is quick. If we do seven minute miles, it's only 35 minutes. Half an hour."

"Except we won't be doing seven minute miles." But secretly, Derek was thrilled. She had already spoken about the future. A very vague, very interesting future, but that was okay.

"Oh, so you like six minute miles? That puts us at half an hour exactly." She grinned.

"I'm never going to figure you out. Why do you like running so much?"

"I didn't until freshmen year of college, swear. And I was so scared about the freshman fifteen that I just started running. I'd eat a box of macaroni and I'd be scared so I'd run. And then I thinned out, and so I kept running."

"You lost weight?"

"Oh, yes. It was glorious. All through high school I was always pinching at my stomach or my thighs and then suddenly I was losing it. And I've been so scared it's happening again that I've kept running."

Derek looked her up and down. "Addie, it's definitely not happening."

Addison blushed. "Anyway. How's Seattle?"

"Rainy. But good. Richard's doing well. Bailey's the same old Nazi. Alex and Izzie have gotten more…involved. Yang and Burke are dating still. Callie's doing well, she told me to say hello. George and Callie are so happy together."

"What about Meredith?"

"She's dating Finn. I don't see her much." He was trying to be as vague as possible.

"She works with you, Derek; I'd expect you to see her."

"Addie, my focus has been the weekend. I just get though the week now. Haven't you realized that yet?"

"I'm just not used to it, is all."

"I hope you get used to it."

"Me too."

The rest of the coffee 'date' went quickly. They avoided all work-related topics after that, and all romantic topics, which basically left them with entertainment, religion, and politics. They didn't disagree or agree on religion, and they disagreed so much on politics, so they were stuck talking about television shows.

"Law and Order."

Addison made a face. "How can you stand it?"

"How can you stand to watch Desperate Housewives? It's so ridiculous."

"Law and Order is ridiculous too."

"How?"

"It just is. I mean no trial is that action-packed."

"True, but no ones life is that action-packed either."

"Truce. Friends?"

"Too classic."

Addison had started watching Friends when it was in its second season and had gotten Derek hooked too. They had watched it all the way until its final episode, and Addison had collected all of them on DVD. "Too classic?"

"Our fallback, Addie."

"Well, we don't agree on any new shows, we have to rely on the fallback."

Addison smiled, biting the bottom of her lip like she sometimes did.

"Do you want to take a walk?"

"To where?"

"Anywhere."

Addison nodded and pulled on her coat, fastening the buttons. She stepped outside in the November wind, straightening up the collar a little bit more. She fell in step with Derek, marveling at how he could keep a conversation going. They talked about the places they walked past. Nothing, and then everything, was different.

And suddenly, without realizing it, they had both ended up in front of their old brownstone.

"I made," Derek said slowly, "so many mistakes here."

"I made just as many."

They moved on. They couldn't afford to spend too much time at one place, too much time in one area. They had already done that, and it hadn't been good for them.

****

"So I'll be back next week," Derek said. "And I'll have running shoes, okay?"

Addison nodded and laughed. "You'd best be ready. You're going to want to die."

"I'll sue you."

Addison smiled. She hesitated at her door, and so did Derek. She thought that he was going to kiss her. She thought he was going to hold her face and kiss her. But he hugged her instead. Quickly. He hovered close to her after.

"You're going to be making the first move, Addie."

Addison smiled.

"I'll see you next week, okay? Don't miss me too much."

"Right back at you.

xxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: Going to write more, but I'm exhausted from writing anything. But here's some cutsey moments to keep you tided over until I get the gumption to write again. In the meantime, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and any and all holidays I'm forgetting.**


	13. Reasons to Love You

**A/N: I hope everyone had a good Christmas/Hanukah/Kwanzaa/Holiday season. Mine was lovely. **

**  
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the title of this chapter, which is a song by Meiko called 'Reasons to Love You'. **

xxxxxxxxxxx

"Addison?"

Mark found her at the end of the hallway. She was hunched over the side of a gurney, breathing deeply.

"Addison, what's wrong?"

She said nothing. She straightened up, her face flushed and red and she looked so scared.

"Addison, please say something."

"A stillborn baby."

Those got to Addison the most, Mark knew. Not because she had had one, but because she saw the pain in the parents who had just wanted one baby and had lost it all.

"A stillborn baby and Derek asked me to go to his mother's for Thanksgiving."

"Well, I understand the first, but what's wrong with the second?"

"He didn't know about the baby that almost was."

"You mean ours?"

"Yes. And he doesn't know and I can't tell him because he'll leave again but I can't not tell him because then this happens. Oh God. I can't do it."

"Addison…"

She looked up at Mark. "Just leave. It's not your problem."

"Addison, you can't do this alone."

"But what am I supposed to say."

"Tell him the truth."

"I can't do that."

"You have to."

"Mark, what if he leaves and never comes back?"

"Then, Addie, he's not worth it."

"But that might be hurting him too much. It might be my fault."

"No. You both screwed up. Just tell him."

"I can't."

"Addison…"

"No, I can't." She stood up and walked away. "And you aren't going to either."

xxxxxxxxxxx

"And you're sure they'll still like me?"

"Addie, they love you. My mother is so happy, Kathleen is beside herself. It will be wonderful. I promise, I'm the one they hated."

"I haven't been here in three years."

"Two."

"Three. We didn't go the year before Seattle. We were too busy."

"Oh."

"I mean, we saw your mother when she came into the city a few times, but it's been a long time since I've been out here. And I don't think we were talking the last time we came out here. So we've at least made one small improvement."

"That's right. I was mad at you for not starting the dishwasher or making the bed or something."

"Something. And I was mad at you for leaving your clothes on the floor; I remember that clearly because I broke a heel on your belt buckle."

"Cheap heels."

Addison laughed. "They were. I found them for twenty dollars online. I should've checked the seller more carefully. But really, that was just the tip of a whole iceberg."

"I know. Trust me, I know."

They rode in silence for a while. Derek was a careful driver, much more careful than Addison, and it took them an extra half hour to get there than normal.

"Derek…"

"Yes?"

"I have to tell you something."

Derek's heart dropped. She was seeing someone else; she didn't love him; she wasn't going to commit.

Addison's heart was racing. "When you left…"

Derek was gripping the steering wheel tightly.

Addison backed out. "I maxed out one of your credit cards."

Derek laughed. "Oh, Addie. I thought it was going to be something much worse."

_It was supposed to be_, Addison thought. "Well, I was angry. And so you can't ever expect to get a credit card with that company again."

"It's okay. I promise, Addie."

Derek pulled into the driveway of his mother's home, a quaint place in New Jersey. Emily Shepherd had raised her family in New York City, but after her husband had died and Derek had gone off to Columbia, she had decided to move out to New Jersey.

"I'm scared, Derek."

"You have nothing to be scared of."

They rang the doorbell. A dog barked, and there was the scrambling of feet. A small face peered out the window and screeched. The door flung open by an eight year-old.

"Aunt Addie! You're here. I haven't seen you in forever. I've missed you so much."

Addison bent down to the level of Emma and smiled. "I haven't seen you in forever. You're eight now. The last time I saw you you were just six."

"I know. Why did you stop coming?"

Addison knew better than to explain the concept of an affair or divorce to Emma. "We were out way across the country; it was hard to come back."

"Okay. Well. I'm glad you're back now."

Emma was the youngest of Meg's children, her youngest niece or nephew. Some were teenagers now, but most were off in the real world.

Addison and Derek stepped inside, and Nancy came up and engulfed Addison in a hug. "Oh my God. I can't believe you're here. I've missed you so much. I'm so glad…that…I'm just so happy you and Derek are where you are."

Renee and Meg found Addison next. They hugged her, told her how much they had missed seeing her, and hoped that everything would work out. Kathleen did much of the same. All of their respective husbands gave her a nod of approval.

"Addison, darling." Mrs. Shepherd walked into the kitchen, wiping her hands on an apron. "It's so, so good to see you in this house again.

She smelled of flowery, old-lady perfume. She was warm and friendly and soft and gave Addison a hug that brought back so many memories.

"We'll have to catch up later."

Addison nodded and found a seat on the couch next to Derek. She leaned slightly on his shoulder, smiling and nodding as Nancy talked about Noah and Jackie and Laura. Her children were all off at college. Jackie was in her final year at Cornell, Noah was working on his masters at Madison, and Laura was a sophomore at Boston University. All of them were busy this Thanksgiving, but sent their love.

It was late that night that Mrs. Shepherd and Addison shared a cup of coffee around the kitchen table.

"So, Addison, how have you been?"

"It's been hard. I mean, it was hard, first, without Derek, and now it's hard to figure out what's actually going to surface from this, if anything."

She nodded. "I understand. But I think he's serious. I think you're serious."

"I know we both are. He just leaves every week back to Seattle, and for all I know he could be sleeping with Meredith on the side."

"He's not."

Addison stirred the sugar around, watching it dissolve. "I know that. It's just, I don't believe it sometimes. And also, while he talks to Mark and has forgiven Mark, I'm not sure he has."

"What do you mean?"

Addison paused. She didn't have to say the next thing that was going to fly out of her mouth. She didn't have to. "I was pregnant, after Derek left. Mark's baby…and I…I had an abortion because it was the only thing I thought I could do and I felt so trapped and lost and I haven't told Derek and I can't now because I'm so scared he'll run."

"Oh, Addison."

"I made a bigger mistake than he thought. Than he thinks. And I just love where we're at right now, and I don't want to lose that."

Mrs. Shepherd covered Addison's hand with hers. "He won't run."

"You don't know that."

"You're right, I don't know for sure. But I know that Derek would forgive. Maybe not instantly, but Addison, you should've seen the way he talked about you before you said yes. You should've seen him the way he talked about you after he took you to the hospital a few weeks ago. He loves you. He's not going to leave you because of mistakes made. He'd understand."

"I don't even understand, how can I expect him to?"

"He will."

"He might not."

"Addison, he wouldn't have worked this hard just to-"

"He wouldn't have worked this hard if he knew."

"If he knew what?" A voice startled Addison and Mrs. Shepherd. It was Kathleen. She sat down next to Addison and picked up a cookie.

"Nothing."

"Please. It's something. I promise I won't tell."

"It's up to Addison."

Addison sighed. She was telling Mrs. Shepherd, she may as well tell Kathleen. "I had an abortion. It was Mark's. I haven't told Derek."

Kathleen sighed. "Oh, sweetie. You have to tell him. The longer you wait, the more it's going to hurt him."

"I know. I know. But I can't. I can't tell him and ruin everything."

"You have to."

"I'm too scared. I mean, he's letting me take the reigns on everything. And we haven't even kissed yet, because I'm too afraid of letting him get close until he knows about this."

"It's only been three weeks, Addison."

"But what happens when it turns into three months?"

"Don't let that happen."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison went upstairs. She was sleeping in a room with Kathleen's twenty year-old, Martha, and Meg's twenty-two year-old, Annie. They were already asleep, and Addison tried being quiet. She slipped into the bed, rolling the thoughts over and over in her head. She had to tell him. But how, when, why would it come up? She couldn't just blurt it out. She couldn't just ruin everything. If she did it here, at least she'd have the support base she needed. But she didn't want to do that. Because Addison was a strong, independent woman, and she could handle this, and Derek needed to hear it just from her. No protection.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison and Derek buttoned up their coats and took a walk through the suburban neighborhood. They were full, the turkey and conversation had stuffed them to the brim. Addison had grabbed Derek's hand, and he was gripping it tightly, trying to feel her skin though the gloves.

"Thanks for inviting me."

Derek looked at Addison. "Thanks for coming."

Addison nodded. The abortion was weighing down on her. She just needed to spit it out. That's all she had to do. Then she'd be fine. Then she'd be okay.

"Derek, I-" Addison was interrupted by her phone. She looked down. "Damn it."

"What?"

"I have to get to the hospital. I…my patient. She had her baby but now she's internally bleeding. She was fine yesterday when I left her. She was fine; her baby had been born and was fine. I have to get back to New York."

"I'll drive you."

"I'll take a cab or something. You should stay with your family."

"Exactly why I'm going with you."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Addison. You're here. Go find Missy. She's in room 235 now. She can take you to your patient…" Kirsten glanced down at her clipboard.

"Monica White."

"That's it."

"Did you contact her fiancé?"

"He hasn't left her side."

"Okay. Good. Good. I'll go find her."

"She hasn't gotten better, Addison."

"She's going to have to."

Addison rushed upstairs and found Missy tending to Monica.

"Dr. Montgomery. Good. We've looked at the bleeding but can't figure out a cause. It's not from the birth. We don't know what to do…"

Missy was a nurse, a good nurse, but this was a terrifying situation for anyone.

"Doctor, I know you're busy, but please, save Monica. She's going to be my wife soon. We have a son. Just…I don't know. It'll be hard if she's not here." Her fiancé was frantic, disheveled and scared.

Addison smiled weakly. "I'm going to do everything I can."

"That's all I can ask."

Two hours. Two hours of looking at charts and graphs and numbers before Monica stopped bleeding. Just as mysteriously as she started, she stopped. A Thanksgiving miracle. Her fiancé, Ben, hugged Addison and kissed her on the cheek and was in tears. Monica was okay. Monica would be okay. Addison found Derek outside, waiting.

"Hey, I hear it stopped."

She fell into his embrace. "Yeah. Thank God. I couldn't have faced her fiancé if she had died." Addison looked up at Derek. "So are we going back to your mother's?"

"No."

"Where are we going?"

"Your parents' house."

"No." Addison backed away from Derek, shaking her finger. "No. No. You of all people know what their Thanksgiving is. I can't go there."

"I'll help you."

"But Derek…"

"It's either now or Christmas Eve."

"Fine. Fine. Let's go."

Derek smiled. Addison checked up on a few more patients and found Derek waiting in the car. It was only four in the afternoon because Mrs. Shepherd always had Thanksgiving dinner early. Whereas, when Addison and Derek arrived in Hartford around seven, the Montgomery's dinner had just finished.

"Oh my God! Addison. Derek. Come in, come in. How are you?" Leslie Montgomery was talking fast and waving her hands. "I didn't expect you, but come in. We'll get some extra places. Liza!" She snapped her fingers and a brunette appeared.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Two more seats at the table."

"Yes ma'am."

"Let me take your coats." Leslie took the coat off Addison and practically ripped it out of her hands. She took Derek's coat that he handed to her and bustled off.

"See how happy she is?" Derek smiled.

"Well yes. Really happy. She loves you."

"She loves you, Addie. She wants to see you happy."

"She's also tipsy."

Derek laughed. "At least she's not drunk."

"Thank God."

Derek placed his hand in the small of Addison's back and guided her into her chair in the next room. William Montgomery smiled through the bottom of his glass at Addison and Derek. The rest of the guests greeted Addison, remarking on how well and happy she looked.

"So where have you two been today?" Leslie sat back down, straightening her napkin.

"We were at my mothers this morning," Derek said, "and then Addison had an emergency at the hospital. After that, we came here."

"Lovely. Are you hungry?"

"I am," Addison said. "But if I could just have a turkey sandwich, that'll suffice."

"And Derek?"

"Just some water, please. While Addison was busy working I managed to raid the snack machines."

"Okay. Liza's going to get what you need."

"Thanks."

The next four hours were full of laughter and watching just how long it took before Leslie Montgomery got drunk. Derek had bet three hours and Addison two, and when Leslie had finally started swaying at 9:30 they declared a tie.

"Come back and visit."

Addison nodded at her father. "I will."

"I mean both of you. Together."

Derek nodded. "I'll come too."

"Good."

"Goodbye, dad."

"Bye, Addie. And Derek, have a great Christmas if I don't see you."

"Thanks. You too."

Addison gave her dad a hug and her mom a pat on the back, and grabbed Derek's hand as they walked outside.

"Longest. Day. Ever."

"Oh, come on Addie, it wasn't that bad."

"I beg to differ."

"Alright, so it was long. But good. We ate a lot, and saw both families."

"I guess."

Derek started the car. "It was good."

"It was good. Just long."

"I can settle for that."

Addison was quiet for a few minutes as she listened to her messages. She pulled the phone back from her mouth and whispered over to Derek. "How long are you staying?"

"I have to be back at work on Saturday."

"Do you want to go get coffee with Savvy and Weiss before I have to work tomorrow?"

"Sounds great."

"Okay. I'll get a hold of her now, if you don't mind."

"I don't."

Addison was on the phone with Savvy for a few minutes before hanging up. "She's excited to see you. So is Weiss."

Derek shifted in his seat. "Are you sure?"

"Derek, listen. They hated you when I hated you, and now they love you because…well, because I don't hate you anymore."

"So you guys are in an alliance?"

Addison laughed. "Something like that."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

They were close. All she had to do was go a few more inches and their mouths would touch. She closed her eyes, almost giving into those feelings but then her eyes snapped open.

"I can't, Derek," she said shakily. "Not yet."

"It's okay, Addison. Believe it or not, the physical isn't the most important thing to me."

"You sure?"

"Positive." He hugged her and brushed his lips against her cheek, leaving at that.

Addison sighed and watched him go to the elevator and leave. He'd be back in the morning. There was just a part of her that wished she would wake up with him. She knew that, however much she wanted that, Derek had to have heard about the abortion. Otherwise everything would still be a lie.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: Yeah, so Addison still has a secret…which still hasn't been revealed to dear old Derek. But it will be, I promise.**


	14. Liar, Liar

**A/N: You thought I abandoned this, didn't you all? I didn't. I just got lazy and lost direction. I pushed it a few weeks forward because I just couldn't make it work otherwise. Forgive me for taking so long to update.**

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to ABC and the title of the chapter is the song Liar, Liar by A Fine Frenzy.

*******

It was dark out. Addison sat up in bed, looking around. Oh, God. Oh, God. It all hit her hard. What had happened. Her head spun. She had told him. Told Derek about the abortion.

_"Addie, what's wrong? You look so unhappy."_

_It was early January. They'd been dating for six weeks now, happily. They'd had Christmas together. Derek wanted to move back out to Manhattan. Everything should've been perfect._

_"It's nothing."_

_"I know it's not nothing. What's going on?"_

_Addison's foot started to shake. Here was her moment. What she had been waiting for. Why she hadn't kissed Derek. This was it. "I...I..." She looked up, trying to stop her tears. "I...Ihadanabortion."_

_"What?"_

_"I had an abortion. Last summer. Before I went to Seattle. It was Mark's baby. I found out I was pregnant. And I had an abortion." She stood up to leave. "I'm sorry."_

_Derek stood there, his mouth open. He stood up. "Wait. Wait." He grabbed Addison's hand. "What? An abortion? You didn't tell me. You never told me. You were pregnant with Mark's baby? Mark's? Never mine, Addie, but the couple of weeks you sleep with Mark you get pregnant with his baby? Dammit. Damn." He looked so angry. Addison cowered, wondering if he'd slap her across the face. She deserved it, but Derek didn't even raise his hand.  
_

_"I'm so so sorry. I didn't want to tell you. This is why we haven't kissed. This is why. I didn't want to get physical with you until you knew that. Because now I know it'll be never. And at least I don't have to regret kissing you." She slipped her hand from Derek's and left._

Addison stood up and felt the blood rush all over her body. Her head hurt. She had gone to the bar, to get rid of her thoughts. To forget that Derek was never, ever coming back. She was groggy and disoriented, trying to remember the day. Sunday. She didn't have work today. No work today. Her clock said that it was 2. A glance out the window told her probably two in the afternoon.

So Derek was done. Over. It was okay. It would be okay. One day, five years from now, it would be okay. She had tried. But she had made too many mistakes to hope for redemption.  
She'd find someone else. There had to be someone else. To assume Derek was the only one for her was childish. She wasn't 17 anymore, wondering who her "soulmate" was. She was close to 40. She would figure it out. There was someone else. And Manhattan was the perfect place to find him.

*******

Derek was sitting in his hotel room. Addison. His Addison had had an abortion. Mark's baby. The words rattled around his head. They wouldn't leave, no matter how much scotch he drank. He was drinking scotch. How old was he, to be drinking scotch? Fifty? Sixty? Not forty.

He should've expected it. Things were too perfect. Too damn perfect. And nothing, nothing was perfect. Every time, something always, always went wrong. Derek stumbled around, looking for his plane ticket. He located it in his pocket. He'd already missed his flight. He tore the ticket up and dropped the scraps of paper in the trash can. Maybe he'd just stay here in this hotel room until he died. He had no reason to live anymore. His job? He didn't care. His job could go to hell, for all he cared. Maybe he could get back with Meredith. Maybe he could fuck her. Maybe she'd let him. They could both get drunk and he could fuck her and forget Addison.

The more he drank, the more logical all of this sounded. He had a plan. As soon as he could get his act together, he'd get a plane back to Seattle. He'd find Meredith and because he knew he was damn irresistible, he'd sleep with her. And she'd stay with him, screw Finn, because he was Derek Shepherd. Derek Shepherd. No one denied Derek Shepherd.

Derek got up, changed his clothes, and grabbed his bag. He had a damn good plan. Drunk, maybe. But it was a plan. A plan that would help him forget. Derek strolled out of the hotel, after paying, and was walking down Fifth Avenue when a brilliant plan came to him.

He walked up to Mark's apartment, just a few blocks over, and stalked upstairs. He buzzed the doorbell and Mark opened it. Derek sneered, then placed what he thought was a square punch to Mark's head. Mark dodged it, before pulling Derek inside.

"What the hell is your problem?"

Derek laughed. "Like you don't know. Is Addison here?"

"What the hell? No."

"Just wondering. She likes sleeping with you. You're probably a sex god, Mark. That's why she loved fucking you. Loves. I'm sorry, my mistake. She was probably here last night. That's why you get her pregnant in a few weeks whereas I was married to her for years and years and we never had a kid. Never."

Mark sighed. "She told you."

"No, I'm a goddamn psychic. I'm going to make my own television show."

"You're drunk."

"I know. Drunk and happy. For once in my pathetic, miserable life."

"Sit down."

"I don't take orders from you."

"Sit down or I'll knock you out."

"Go ahead." Derek laughed. "Go ahead."

Mark pushed Derek onto the couch. "I'll talk to you when you're sober. But not now. Now, you're going to go to sleep. Sleep off the alcohol. And then we'll talk."

"About how good Addison is in bed."

"If it's what you want."

"She's damn good in bed. Damn good."

Mark said nothing and refocused his eyes on the television.

"Isn't she? Answer me!"

Mark still said nothing.

Derek laughed. "Well, at least she had the abortion. You would've been a father just like yours, a shit father."

"I would not have!"

Derek looked surprised, then laughed. "You actually wanted her to have the baby. Oh, my God," he said, sitting up. "You wanted her to have the baby. I can't believe it."

"I asked her to marry me."

Derek stopped and looked at Mark. "Really?" He wasn't angry, being drunk, just curious.

"She said she wouldn't ever. She said she couldn't ever marry me, date me, or anything. She moved out the next day, and the next time I talk to her I find out she's in Seattle. she's had an abortion, and she's trying her marriage again."

"Yeah. Yeah. We tried. Until I fucked Meredith at prom."

"Bastard," Mark spat. "You're a bastard, you know that?"

"Because sleeping with your best friend's wife isn't the mark of a bastard at all. Haha, Mark. Mark of a bastard."

"You son-of-a-bitch. You know you walked out of that marriage long before I walked in."

"But I never cheated. I came close. But I never cheated. She cheated. She ruined the marriage. It was her."

"It was you."

"She was the straw that broke the camel's back. And I thought I could just leave her alone after fucking Meredith at prom, but I still love her. God, I still love Addison so much."

"But you didn't have to leave her. You could've stayed."

Derek shook his head. "I couldn't have. I know that, better than you do. It shocked me too much. I couldn't have looked at her anymore." Derek's eyelids were getting heavy.

"She loves you."

"I love her. I screwed up too much. She screwed up too much. You're still a bastard, Mark. I'm still going to punch you...soon..."

Mark sighed as Derek fell asleep. Hopefully he would wake up with a clearer mind.

******

Addison wanted her mind to shut off. She didn't want to hear it anymore. She was tired of hearing it. She was tired of reliving what she had already lived once. She didn't know who to call. She couldn't call Savvy. She couldn't call Mark, no, not this time. Not ever again. She couldn't call most people.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end made Addison smile to herself stupidly.

"Parker, it's Addison."

"And to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

"To whom, actually."

"To whom, then, do I owe the pleasure?"

"Derek Shepherd."

"Really? What did he do now?"

"More like what I did. Told him about the abortion."

"Oh, Addison."

"He's gone. He's not coming back. Ever."

"Don't say that. You don't know that, you're not God. You don't know what's going to happen as well as he does."

Addison snorted. "God, sure. I really believe a god is behind all this," she paused, looking for the appropriate word, "shit. If there's someone behind this, they're terribly evil."

Parker laughed. "Maybe so. But don't assume what you don't know. Maybe Derek just needed some time to process. I mean, what did you expect?"

Addison thought for a moment. "I guess I expected him to tell me it wasn't a big deal, that he was sorry I had to experience that, and that he loved me. Which I guess, now that I'm hearing it, sounds selfish and stupid."

"See," Parker said.

"I still don't think he's coming back though. Ever."

"Twenty bucks and dinner on me says he does."

"You're on."

Parker laughed. "How are you otherwise?"

"Good. Work is good, Savvy and Weiss are good, everything else is perfect. I just have a terrible love life. High highs and low lows and I'd rather be steady. Steady and sure of everything."

"I don't have a great work life."

"Why?"

"I'm getting sick of my assistant. He's nervous and awkward and I can't deal with it. But I can't fire him, he's got a year contract."

Addison groaned in sympathy. "Sorry."

"It's okay."

"How's your love life?"

"I'm dating this girl, her name is Julie. We've been dating for only two weeks. But I like her, she's really funny and a little wild."

Addison laughed. "Just what you like, eh, Parker?"

"I just like the danger," he said, laughing. "A bit of mystery."

Addison paused, deciding whether or not to ask the question on the tip of her tongue. "Parker," she said slowly.

"Addison," he said, just as slowly.

"Why didn't you date me? Or try? Am I not your type?"

"Addison, I knew from that first night that you still loved Derek. And that I didn't have a chance. If Derek wasn't in the picture, I would've tried to date you. You're beautiful, Addison, and you're smart and funny too. But as to type, I don't know. Am I your type? Would you have wanted to date me?"

"I would've wanted to try. At least go out to dinner, I guess."

"See, my point exactly. I don't know. I'm glad we're friends, though. This way we still talk, whereas if we dated we might have never spoken after we stopped dating."

"Yeah."

"Listen, Addison, I have to go. Sorry. But call me later this week, okay? Or I'll call you. I know that you love Derek, and I'd bet he loves you."

"You are betting. Twenty bucks and dinner."

Parker laughed. "This is true. But so are you."

"One of us will win."

"And I'm betting it's you."

"Whatever you say, Parker."

"Bye, Addison. Stay strong. Don't worry, he'll be back."

"Bye, Parker."

********

Derek stepped off his plane, back in Seattle. He was still angry. He was still frustrated. He still didn't know what to do.

It was pouring out. A typical Monday night. He got a cab to take him through the streets. He had the cab stop in front of a house that had invaded his dreams last year. He paid the cabbie and walked up to the house, knocking on the front door.

Meredith looked surprised to see him, to say the least.

********

**A/N: I can _promise_ that I will not wait so long to update ever again. Sorry. Don't tar and feather me. **


	15. Last Night

**A/N: Agh. I had three pages and my idiot self deleted them all when I made space on my computer. So take two on this chapter.**

Thanks for the reviews, they keep me going! Also, did anyone see the pilot of Glee on Fox? I loved it, and am so excited for fall now.

Disclaimer: The show's Shonda's and she can have it as far as I'm concerned. The title of this chapter is from the song "Last Night" by Carolina Liar.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Derek."

"Can I come in?"

Meredith looked at him. "Why?"

"Just to talk."

Meredith snorted. "No."

"Please?" Derek looked at her, with those warm blue eyes of his, and Meredith almost caved. She knew what he wanted. For a second, the let her mind linger to the thought of sharing a bed with Derek, to the secret, meaningless, whispered words.

"No."

"But you just thought about it. I saw you think about it."

"And I said 'no'. I am so happy with Finn and I don't want to mess that up. You're supposed to be with Addison. You love her. I know it. Everyone knows it, Derek."

"She betrayed my trust this weekend in ways that can never be remedied."

"Cut the crap, Derek."

"No one has to know. No one has to know about tonight."

"I'll know. I'll know and it's not fair to Finn. Finn, who, by the way, will be here in ten minutes. He'd know."

Derek looked so rejected. He sighed. "Fine. You're right. One day, I'll thank you." He turned around and started down the walk.

"Derek, wait!" Meredith ran down the walk. She kissed him on the cheek and pushed back his hair. "You didn't ever love me, Derek. And now, it's better this way. It's better you're back with someone you love, and have loved." And then she left, walking back inside, the weight of Derek truly gone. Closure.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mark chose the prime moment to grab Addison in the hallway. She was making rounds, and after she finished with Mrs. Terri Werst, Mark grabbed her arm and led her into an on-call room before she could protest.  
"Stop being selfish."

Addison looked shocked. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Derek flies out here every weekend to see you. He's given up so much for you. I've seen pictures of Meredith, she was gorgeous. And yet, you  
ruin everything. You ruin everything and just let him leave."

"Are you saying I shouldn't have told him?"

"No. I'm saying you shouldn't have let him leave."

"I was the one who left."

"So you're a quitter. You just left? Maybe he wanted to talk."

"I had to go. I was breaking down, falling apart."

"Oh, and Derek's never seen you fall apart."

"Mark, you don't understand and you can't! It was much more complicated than just letting him see me fall apart."

"Addie, just stop. You screwed up. Admit it."

"How? How did I screw up?"

"First off, you slept with me, that was your first mistake. And then you let him walk away. You didn't follow him. You have to go out to Seattle. You have to. You have to go and explain and show that you care. Not just that Derek cares."

Addison was fuming. "You slept with me!"

"Yes, Addison, sex requires two people. You asked me to take you to bed, though. I wouldn't have otherwise, and you know that. No matter how much I was enamored by you, no matter how long I was at your house, it had to be you."

Addison bit her lip. "God damn you. Just go."

"Go to Seattle. Derek still loves you. He's just angry. Go out and explain, apologize, tell him everything."

Addison said nothing and Mark left the room. She slunk down onto the ground, knowing how right Mark was.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"She had an abortion." It was Thursday morning, and Derek had been summoned to Richard's office.

Richard sighed. "I know."

"You know?"

"Whose shoulder was she crying on the day after you divorced? Certainly not yours."

"I just...I couldn't look at her. She had been pregnant with Mark's child. Mark. The guy she slept with who wasn't me. She was pregnant with his baby."

"Derek, she told you. Do you know how much courage that took her? You would've never known. Ever. She chose to tell you, doesn't that tell you something?"

"It told me that she was sleeping with Mark. It tells me that she got pregnant with him after just a few weeks but in all of our fourteen years she never had so much as a scare."

"Derek..."

"I'd like to take back my original hours."

Richard sighed, looking at Derek. "Fine."

"Thank you."

"You're sure?"

"I'm absolutely sure."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Addison sat in a Greek restaurant in Greenwich Village, one of her favorites. She was enjoying her dessert of baklava and the good, strong coffee. She was eating alone and she felt the sympathetic glances of passers-by, obviously thinking she had been stood up. She wanted to stand up and tell them that it wasn't like that, that she had come here alone, voluntarily. She could've called Savvy if she wanted company. At one point, six weeks ago, she would've called Derek, but they were done. He hadn't come back, and she hadn't gone to talk to him.

"Addison Shepherd?"

Addison looked up. A man of about forty was looking at her.

"Oh my God, it is you. I haven't seen you in forever. Where have you been?"

Addison had no idea who this man was. "Um, around, you know, work and such."

"Where's Derek?"

"Seattle."

The man laughed. Addison wouldn't deny he was attractive, but she still couldn't figure out who he is. "That dog. Leaving his wife alone at a Greek restaurant on a Friday night."

Addison still didn't say anything.

"You have no idea who I am." He stated it as fact. "I'm John Nowak. I've lost some weight."

"John! I'm so sorry." Derek and John had been roommates freshman year at Columbia, and the two had kept in contact since. John was a financial adviser on Wall Street and had virtually nothing in common with Derek anymore, but they had still gotten together a few times a year.

He finally sat down at the table. "It's okay. A lot of people don't recognize me."

"You look great."

He smiled. "Thanks. It wasn't easy, but when Mary and I got divorced last year I didn't want to just be the pudge anymore, you know?"

"You and Mary divorced? I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," he said, waving his hand to add to the effect. "It was fairly mutual. She said that she was only forty and already in a rut with me and she didn't like it. I was feeling the same way."

"Still."

"Don't worry about it, really. It wasn't a hard divorce."

"That's good."

"So," he said, "you look great. How've you been?"

"I could be a lot better, truthfully."

"Derek's not in Seattle for a business trip, is he?"

"How'd you know?"

"Your wedding rings are gone, Addison. You always wear those things. I noticed it the second I sat down."

"We got divorced about eight months ago."

John covered Addison's hand with his. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up old news."

"It's not really old news. We were...dating again, for the past few months. But now that's over and he's back in Seattle and I am fine. I am fine."  
Addison said it aloud to try to convince herself.

"You're not fine," he said simply. "You're not fine. I don't know what happened, but I have a feeling the divorce was less than mutual and you probably both wish you could take back whatever."

"But see, here's the thing. I don't. I slept with Mark a year and a half ago. I was just sick of being numb. And so I don't regret it. It's terrible not to regret it, but I don't. Otherwise we'd still be married and I would probably still be here eating alone because he never had time for me. He'd run into the hospital in a split-second but if I called he was always busy. Mark became my husband, and the line between us blurred and the next thing I knew I was kissing him."

"Oh, Addison. I'm sorry."

"And then he goes to Seattle and runs and sleeps with an intern who can't be more than 25 and I come out and bring divorce papers but he doesn't sign and we try again and I'm so happy until he sleeps with this intern again at prom, we divorce on our anniversary, and that's it." Addison was on the verge of tears now, wiping her eyes with the napkin.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?"

Addison nodded quickly, paid her check, and took John's arm as he led her outside into the cold February air. She didn't know what she was doing, what she was getting herself into, but she wasn't going to sit around just hoping Derek would forgive her and come back. She wasn't getting any younger, that was for sure. They wandered around before realizing there was nowhere they wanted to go.

"I have a pot of coffee and cookies at my apartment."

Addison looked at him. He was, perhaps not as bluntly, asking her to have sex. And if not sex than he was asking for a lot of things that wouldn't necessarily be sex, but were pretty close. "Yes."

He smiled. "I'll get a cab."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"So are you visiting us this weekend or not?"

Derek froze. "Hi, Nancy."

"Listen, I'm at Mom's. She wants to know."

"No, not this weekend."

"Spending it all with Addison?"

"Something like that."

Nancy noticed the change in his tone. "What's going on, Derek?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit." And then, covering the phone, a "Sorry, Mom."

"It's true."

"Again, no."

"I have work this weekend, then I'm flying out early tomorrow morning to New York."

"Bring Addison here tomorrow night."

"No, we have reservations at a restaurant."

"Then Sunday."

"I have to go back early."

Nancy sighed. "Come next week for sure."

"We'll have to see."

"You will come because we haven't seen you two in ages. Since Christmas. And it's now...February 25."

"Fine."

"Good. Mom says she loves you. Give Addison a hug for us."

"Bye."

"Bye."

Derek had at least bought himself a week of time to figure out how to tell his family about Addison's abortion and why they'd ended it, which made him happy enough. How he was going to tell them when he had to, though, that was a different story.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Did you become a chef after you got divorced too?"

John laughed. "I had to start cooking for myself, if that's what you mean."

"These are delicious. Maybe divorce isn't so bad. My great American novel will get written."

He laughed. "Thanks."

"So tell me, am I the first woman you've brought back to this apartment with cookies, or the twentieth?"

"Forty-second."

Addison laughed when he cracked a smile. "That's good. Makes me feel good about myself."

He sat down on the couch next to Addison. "Actually, you're the first woman I've wanted to bring here. The first woman since Mary that I haven't been set up with. The first woman I've wanted to get to know. Divorce was easy enough, but it's still been hard. Mary was the only woman for so long, and now it's just hard to get back out there."

"It should get easier," Addison breathed, leaning ever-closer to him.

"Hopefully," he said. And in the next second he kissed Addison.

She felt her pulse race, she felt her stomach drop and rise again. She kissed back, the first man she'd kissed in almost a year. The first man since she'd kissed Derek. Derek. She pulled back.

"Are you okay?"

Addison shook her head. "No. Sorry. I have to go." She stood up.

"Was it something I did?"

Addison shook her head again. "No, you were...fantastic. And if I wasn't so selfish and stubborn and if I could get over Derek I would've loved to have...tonight...with you. Honestly. That was a great kiss. But it's a great kiss you should have with someone else, someone who's not still hung up on their ex-husband. God, I just can't get over him. I thought I could. But I can't. I'm so sorry."

"We could still have...tonight," he said hopefully. "Just sit back down and we'll pick up right where we left off."

"We couldn't without incredible guilt on my part. That's not fair to you, me, or Derek."

He sighed. "If you get over him, will you call me first?"

Addison smiled. "Only if you'll pick up."

xxxxxxxxxxx

"Well don't you look lonely."

Derek smiled at the pretty brunette who had sat next to him. "Why would you think that?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said teasingly. "Perhaps because you're the only one sitting alone in this whole bar."

Derek looked around. "I guess I am. Except now you're sitting next to me."

"I'm Zoey."

"Derek."

"So why are you here, all alone?"

"I just wanted a drink."

Zoey leaned in closely to him. "Is that the only thing you wanted?"

Derek felt his muscles tense and his skin burn where she touched his face. God, she smelled like some exotic island, and her hands were so soft. And, Derek thought as he reasoned with himself, she wasn't Meredith. This wasn't as vengeful. This wasn't harming anyone.

"Because I'm here."

Derek nodded and she left, going back to sit with her friends. She winked at him and Derek couldn't help but wonder if she had been in a bet or something, but she kept smiling at him and none of her friends were laughing hysterically, just small smiles to each other like they had been watching this grow over the night. He sat at the bar for three hours and her friends emptied out a few at a time and suddenly it was just her, just Zoey, and she was coming back by him.

"Come on," she whispered in his ear. "Just tonight. You're looking for the same thing I am. You don't want anything more than right now, than  
sex. That's all you want, and it's all I want, and it's rare that two people just want sex."

Derek leaned over and kissed her softly, threading his fingers through her hair. She kissed back, pulling him close, until his feet were touching the floor and then they were both standing off their stools. She was gentle in her kiss. Derek was trying not to need to breathe, it would remind him of things he didn't want to be reminded of. Like Addison. He pulled back.

Zoey looked up at him. "Whoever she is, push her out of your mind. For the next twelve hours. I'm not looking for commitment of any kind. Just push her out."

That sounded like good enough advice to Derek, and he did just that as he turned to kiss her again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Derek woke up entangled in bedsheets. He looked over at Zoey, sleeping. She was naked, and he had taken all the sheets from her, and somehow that felt wrong. It was morning now, he shouldn't see her naked anymore. He slipped out of bed, covering her with the sheets. He rubbed his head as he remembered last night. It had been wonderful. She was beautiful and had given Derek everything he wanted. But the only thing it had confirmed to him is how much he wanted to be with Addison. How much he wished it was her he was waking up to and not Zoey.

"Good morning," she said, sitting up. "Let me just get dressed and I'll be out of your way. Thanks for everything last night."

She was every married man's dream, that was for sure. Derek would've loved to have someone like her in the later years of his marriage, someone who would give him the romance and more importantly, sex, without trying to weasel her way into his life.  
She hesitated, maybe hoping Derek would stop her, but only for the briefest of seconds and she quickly dressed. She kissed Derek once more on the lips before darting out of the trailer. He didn't regret Zoey. She was necessary. She had proved to him that he really did love Addison, that he should forgive her. He hadn't talked to her in six weeks, but he had thought about her every day. Without Zoey, he still would've been angry and stubborn. He still wouldn't have forgiven Addison.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

The earliest flight to Seattle had a layover in Chicago for four hours. However, even that delay would still get her there quicker than the nonstop flight that night at ten. Addison took it, even though she hated layovers and sitting in airports from towns she didn't know. She had to do it. She had to go there, because now he was running and now she had to chase him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Derek went to Richard first, asked him for time off, and then booked the first flight he could to Hartford, Connecticut. If he was going to do this, he was finally, finally going to do it right.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

**A/N: So,** **don't hate me, because this is all going to work out. I promise. You might already be able to see it, but I finally made it work. So don't hate Zoey or John.**

**Reviews are always appreciated!**


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